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I have been in this phase of cleansing and purification of my energies for so long now that I don't remember the last time I felt myself to be in a high vibrational state with an open heart. I just seem to be in the trenches constantly clearing out all the sludge at the bottom of the pond. I am beginning to feel "Lightworker low esteem", that I am not doing a good enough job of transmutting all this goblygook to Light, especially when I read channelings about all the wonderful glorious high frequency energies being poured down upon us. But on the other hand, it's understandable given where I started, kind of like a grade school child who has to do major "catch up" to get into 'Ascension University' with all the other high school seniors. In any event, I seem to have "special education" mentors from the higher realms that seem to be around me much of the time. Often, I close my eyes and go into my inner space and receive sacred geometry activations that are quite spectacular, beyond any pyrotechnic light show in 3D.

So day after day I just keep clearing but get frustrated, kind of like a guy who's in a boat and he's bailing water to keep the boat from sinking but he'd save a lot of time if he just plugged up the hole in the boat. Once I had a channeled being named "Bartholomew" say something very profound to me: You can keep shoveling out the darkness from now to eternity. It's much faster just to open a window and let in the Light. For some reason, my "stuff" feels so heavy that I don't trust opening a window is going to make it go away. I have to blast the sludge out with the "Cosmic Blaster, Dissolver, Transmuter" or "Divine Roto-Rooter" (the turbo version of the Violet Flame). I make up all kinds of "fires" in various colors, fires of purification, dissolution, transmutation, unification and transcendence, whatever I think will get the sludge out of my chakras and subtle bodies and limbic system/ Reptillian brain. And I go around my apartment screaming out all of these invokations that I sort of made up, (like a Lightworker who "shoots from the hip") for hours, just to keep myself from getting sucked into self-contraction (a very core tendency of mine). I will do this day in and day out yet the boat seems to keep filling up so where's the leak??? I sometimes yell at the heavens and say "Will somebody up there let me know if any of this is working???".

I also use the visualization of my being the captain of a crystaline electromagnetic multi-dimensional star ship. I have been knocked unconscious for 52 years by about 100 2X4's to the head (i.e. my childhood) and now I see no one has been at the helm all this time. The ship is floating around aimlessly in the heavens, getting sucked into other star ships gravitational pulls, jerked around in every direction, getting hit by meteors, with a huge rupture in the electromagnetic hull that is sucking in all kinds of nuclear exhaust from other star ships (i.e. all the projection of other people's judgments and opionions that I introject into my sacral chakra and fear, guilt, and shame). Not only that, but there's a whole party of strangers, imposters, bully's, victimizers, critics, judges, back-seat drivers that are having a party on the ship that snuck in while I was unconscious and I have to do some major "taking out of the garbage" to get things back in order. I am the only one who is supposed to steer this ship. NO ONE, either physical or non-physical (this goes for Ascended Masters as well)is supposed to man the helm of the ship but my own Self. I am the only Authority on this ship. The destiny of this ship in solely in my hands.

So enough said. I still feel like I'm in grade school as a Lightworker, still playing with play-do and coloring with crayonns.