A THEORY OF THE GOLDEN CHICK-PEA.
 An interview with a Brahman Philosopher by C. Capp.

Hello I am Putput Dingding, a disciple of the twice great guru Potpot Pompom, I am here today to discuss certain aspects of the divine with you all.

Mr. Dingding, I am told your school has rather unique beliefs concerning the eastern philosophical aspects of divinity. Principally it seems your school believes in the possibility of incarnation as or into general food-products. Please explain?

Ah yes of course. We term this phenomena as ‘trans-incarnational food-manifestation’. For example; it would be a very good experience to be incarnated as a meal at a Hare Krishna restaurant, but unfortunate to become say a Big Mac in a McDonalds combo-meal.
 
And, umm..how does this sort of thing occur?
 
Not so much does it occur but rather it just happens. These incarnations can be seen as preliminary stages of enlightenment, when a soul incarnates as say a very, tasty vegetable curry. This would denote this soul has acquired much good karma in former existence’s here on Earth, through excellent application of his dharma. However a soul which finds itself in the combo-meal situation, and mostly likely a westerner, has failed his duty here on Earth – and has the misfortune of becoming a Big Mac. It is a very complicated science sir.
 
Yes of course Mr. Dingding. Okay, we have been told that you were blessed with a rather mystical experience , after remembering your time as a garden salad. Is that correct?

Yes that is correct.

Could you elaborate?
 
My pleasure sir. Well I was laying under a mango tree near my hut in northern India, when I felt a strange sense of oneness with everything. I felt myself experiencing, my many incarnations as different food-products. One above all seemed to stand out! I had the honour of being a lettuce in a garden salad which had been prepared for the Buddha himself! It was while resting there with the pieces of carrots and tomatoes a great awakening took place, hurling my consciousness from the vegetable kingdom into something even higher. It was when the Buddha applied the French dressing that I felt to have been baptised or initiated into this great knowing.

Are you mad Mr. Dingding?
 
I am not mad, but I am a madman, hahah, that’s a little saying we have in our school.
 
Okay. How about consciousness Mr. Dingding, I am told you have developed a way to calculate an individuals level of awareness, thereby predicting a time and date for that souls enlightenment?
 
Ah yes, but that is a closely guarded secret of our school. To elaborate a little it involves multiplying a number of factors, mostly the calories of that individual’s specific food product, by 3, 5 and 7 times to arrive at the correct formulation. This will give us the exact time of that souls ascension into the higher worlds. It is a very sacred and complicated matter. Only our highest initiates are taught the formula to determine this.
 
Right. Okay…How then do you explain consciousness??

We don’t really explain it at all, rather we be it. It seems to us that it works through this graded series of food products, begging with being a Big Mac consumed by a very obese American, frozen peas, hot chilli’s, fruits until finally arriving as a possible ingredient in a vegetarian curry; such as a chick-pea. To become the chick-pea is the goal of our study and practice within our school. Ultimately we desire to be that curry, but at the very dinner table of Krishna and his fellow gods. It is the object our deepest meditation. Once digested in the stomach of a god, we have reached the ultimate liberation!

Right. Thanks Mr. Dingding, but we might wrap it at this stage.

Wait sur! I have yet to elaborate on the stage following digestion in the stomach of a god! It is the journey back into the light, following divine-gastric-dissolution, where symbolically the outer layer of the chick-pea is dissolved, revealing the soul-kernal. Wait please!! I have much more to tell you. No, no thanks Mr. Dingding!