Three weeks ago I entered the “real” world again and started a new job. The job has really been everything that I asked for – good hours, weekends off, low pressure and creative – but it’s still requiring a bit of adjustment on my part. Along with the real world comes people’s moods, distractions, hidden agendas, and rushing around. I hate rushing around. So all week I’ve been feeling myself move further and further away from the spiritual connection that I love. I’ve been craving to get back to my “field of enlightenment.”
Took my dog and headed out there this morning – longing the clarity and solitude that it has blessed me with in the past. It seems that I always find parables for my life out there – messages that I need to hear just when I need to hear them.
I found the path untended and overgrown (here we go with the parallels). In my frequent visits there over the last 4 years it has always been mowed at least every other week – but this time it almost looked as if it had been deserted. My son (who’s also gained a love of the area) has told me that he’s found new trails lately so my heart began to fear that my favorite path – the place where I’d found so much comfort and clarity might be becoming lost in the underbrush.
I headed for my favorite spot – on a little curve where I can sit hidden behind a tall grouping of trees. It was wild back there. Rough. On its way to making its transition back into just another undiscovered space amidst the forests. I felt a little panicked, like my own serenity was connected to this place and without it I would revert back into the shadows of life – always a few steps away from the light. I sat down and looked up at an area that had once been full of giant white magnolia flowers – now the main attraction were a couple of buzzards sitting high atop an old, dead oak tree. (No lie!) It certainly did seem that something else was taking claim to this space. Wild-ness.
I immediately thought about the notion of idolization and how the bible says not to “place false idols above me.” Was that what I was trying to do with this spot? Yes, this had been where I’d found my light – but it wasn’t my light. God, Spirit or whatever name the Universal power wants to go by is obviously bigger than this place. If I’ve truly been transformed then I the light should be living where it truly belongs – in me – and I should be able to carry it with me wherever I go.
I knew it was another truth. Although I had hoped to always have the wonder of this place to return to – the truth is that we don’t always control life. We can’t hold onto the precious moments forever – they’re meant to change. It’s the nature of living. Wow. It was a bittersweet revelation.
In order to preserve this special connection with Spirit, I will have to cherish it and give it the respect that it deserves. If I let the real world capture my mind and attentions – and choose not to return to that sacred space in my heart with regularity – then it too will begin to fade away on the landscape just like my beloved path.
These are the moments that count. The “push comes to shove” moments when you can fall back into the mindless march of the masses – or choose to dance to your own melody. I must choose to dance. It’s the only way to truly honor the Divinity that I’ve had the honor to glimpse.
I share this with all of you because we’re all in the same boat – trying to blend opposites; torment and bliss, light and dark, the real world and the world of Spirit. We are being helped to do so – and these are our tools; love, inner knowing, gratitude and faith.
I now realize that I haven’t been as grateful for my new job as I should be. The old me has been afraid that the dangers that lurk “out there” would steal away the blessings that I hold “in here.” Now I know that no one can take that away from me – but me. As long as the field remains in my heart, I can return to it anytime I want to. And I want to. And I will.
As I walked home with my dog I closed my eyes and leaned back into her leash. She’s still a puppy and not a very good leash walker – and she pulled me along the curving paths all the way back to where we began. There was another message in there somewhere too – that I could even close my eyes and let go of direction and yet I would still be pulled along step-by-step. Looks like both my puppy and I still need more training. Somehow I think she may learn quicker than I do – but I’m grateful for the patience.