The above words could be the name of my life story. So much and so little. I have led a strange life.

Since my last blog I have "come down" from the spiritual high I was experiencing. I'm still functioning at an ever higher median level but I fluctuate back and forth. I suppose this is normal, but part of me feels guilty for not holding onto that higher state.

Today I am troubled by a familiar sensation. I feel as if I have no direction in my life. I have so much to do, and so little. I have to clean my kitchen, cook for my family, care for my pets, wash clothes, arrange the schedule for my household, answer my messages at deviantart, and work on the blanket I am making for my husband. Later I also plan on making more blankets for other members of my family. So much activity, and so little of it that is truly what I want to do.

Truly I love cooking for my family. I don't like cleaning the kitchen or house, but I like the pride I feel for having helped my family. I enjoy answering my emails because the conversations I have are fun. Crocheting I find therapeutic, and the great joy it brings me to make something useful for my husband is amazing.

What I truly want out of life is to be a mother. I've wanted that since I was five years old. I remember sitting up one night and crying because I knew I never would be. There is nothing I can do in this world that will make me a natural woman. How can I accomplish something if nothing I do will bring it about?

I take little joy in the pale life I lead. It isn't excitement I seek, or anything special. I just want to be happy. I don't want to hold the anguish of being myself at bay all the time. I move from task to task seeking something to do to lose myself, but once the task is done I'm left facing reality again. Spiritual questions bring me some solace because I actually find them challenging, but even those eventually have either an answer or a resolution, and so I move on.

I could construe the question above as my new task. "How do I accomplish something about when no physical actions I take will bring it about?" That would be a wonderful question to answer. For some reason, though, my heart isn't in it.

How do you fix your life when the only problem you have with it is yourself? It's a terrible question. I've been running from it for a while now, but I have to face it sometime. Every time before now, I've been unable to answer it. The easy answer would be turning myself into a woman, if that were possible. Without that answer, what can I do? I feel helpless and hopeless.

It's amazing how terrible your life becomes when something at the center of it is wrong. Every moment becomes agony, every action excruciating. Looking in the mirror is like peeking into the abyss. It's maddening. Until I met my husband, there was absolutely no relief, but even now there isn't much. Being close to him and forgetting what I am is paradise, but it only happens when we're alone together. It doesn't matter if we're being intimate, just so long as we're alone. The little time we spend alone together is so precious that I try not to be needy about it. I don't want him to grow to dislike our time together.

Beyond this little time that I feel fulfilled, I don't enjoy life. I feel cheated, alien, and outcast. Life is so strange to me. I get lost in bliss so great that I feel like I'm in heaven, but I also go through long periods of the most crushing despair. I have so much that is desireable in my life, and so little that brings me any fullfillment. It's maddening.