As I slept last night before my big first day, I had dreams about the job and doomsday like anxiety passing through me as I occasionally awoke. I saw concrete, wires, and messes left on the floor in my dream, and it came a reality. Just before heading to work, I remember focusing my mind deeply to enter a zone beyond anxiety, and asking for god to come to me... I focused and became empty, yet god did not come... I was deeply saddened and felt betrayed. Then, I heard a voice say "be strong", and I knew that I would feel no happiness or peace, yet have to continue. Its as if god spoke to me, yet gave me no feeling of his presence. I understood what this meant for me on a deep level, that I can explain, but will not. I put on my hard hat and warm clothing and went into battle.
Work wasn't that bad. It was actually good to be doing something that was supposed to be done in the way of focus and competency. I was, "obligated" to do so by my impressions of what the employers would like done. Forced, in reality, by myself to complete tasks. So... not too bad. The anxiety before the work, was worse than the work.
As I was no longer anxious about work, I started to become anxious about women later in the day. I switched from one problem to another. Signs and signals to initiate my feelings would come up, and I would become extremely anxious about women in a manner that snowballed to straight up heart throbbing pain. I thought to myself, "boy, I sure am having a lot of stress on my body and heart going through this constantly, almost every day". Then I started to get a headache and a sore throat.
I am now sipping on a cup of neo-citron, and feel sick. Its okay though, Im not upset about being sick. Im also not as anxious right now, nor am I anxious about work tomorrow. I am semi anxious about women though, its seems its always sort of there. My karma of the opposite sex in relation to myself is the largest challenge, but also, the most rewarding. I am working through it.