“The heart deceives, because it is never anything but the expression of the mind’s miscalculations… I don’t know what the heart is, not I: I only use the word to denote the mind’s frailties.” Marquis de Sade

I enjoyed watching the television series, Lie to Me – staring Tim Roth and Kelli Williams. The series was about a Psychologists who learned how to read lies through micro expressions. Our faces and bodies would natural contort or conceal or express deception based on what part of the brain is being used to communicate our thoughts.

We have many reasons to lie – and in the series, the main character always promoted the truth above any deceptions regardless of the price one pays for their truth.

I’m sure you’ve gathered through my entries that I have a hard time consolidating the practice of Self-Deception.
Sometimes we have to tell ourselves lies to keep moving, motivated to act down a particular path to maintain the norm. We have to betray our own convictions to hold onto something that is dear to us.

Sometimes challenges are necessary – they are certainly impetus towards new avenues of experiences that lead to a certain type of awakening. We, in these times, learn about our true strengths.

Often the fear is how will this affect the people in our lives – our domestic partners, can they handle this, or will this break them? Let alone if it will break us.
Children are resilient, but they learn quickly from their experiences, and this shapes the people they become as adults and motivates the decisions they will make in their lives – this forms the basis of their values – despite the ones we want to instil in them.

I often think of the person I am now, and how my mother inspired my logic sets that I use to determine my actions. Particularly in financial spheres. We grew up por. So por, that we couldn’t afford the second O in Poor. I relied mostly on hand-me-down clothing from friends and neighbors – until I could afford to buy my own. My post secondary education was predicated on my own ability to pay for myself…

Okay – who didn’t?

Its not a sad story – it’s a lesson on what shapes us and holds us back in our lives – the lies we tell ourselves to convince us that We Can’t or We Can – in some cases. Some people think bigger than their capacity – others think smaller than their capacity – That’s me. I am now thinking that I have limited myself dramatically in my life – because of an image I created within my own mind, a mould, and held myself accountable to that image.

This is Self-Deception.

Over the last few years, I’ve been seeing how I continue to hold onto the life-ring that is the security of my life, because of the fear of moving forward.

Often times, its about Values – there are certain things in my life I don’t want to honor anymore – certain social establishments that have been considered the norm that I believe are false.
The discussion last night was about Education.

The proponent for it was for the elavation of discussion – I’m for the value of precision – it must have purpose. We can teach our children how to tie shoes… But in the real world, that marks low on the totem pole of social values… At the same time, we need to do more than to teach our children how to read, write and count… Critical Thinking, Analysis, Empathy are all equally valuable and seem to be overlooked.

The one is for any kind of Education, the other for structured Education that promotes purpose.
Social Values are in peril, because we aren’t able to discern the underlying social habits that promote the Cult of Me and Self-Deception and ignores the importance of empathy and fairness.

At the same time, both have their place – and they should be taught in Tandem – I often think of Jewish children who go to Shul before they assemble in the temple for devotions on the Shabbat. I’ve learned through discussions that they discuss topics of Social and Moral Law, Ethics, Human Behavior, as well as learning how to read the Holy Books in Hebrew, and Yiddishkey – how to live as Orthodox Jews. As children, Monday to Friday School. Friday Evening or Saturday Morning, Shul.
It’s a constant of education – and it works to promote unity and upliftment in that community.

In that culture, there is purpose.

Yet, does it promote happiness and joy in their lives? Only the individual can answer that with certainty.

But as an observer – I still see suffering. It takes a special kind of person to find fulfilment in their lives and learn how to radiate that fulfilment in their presence and actions. But it is not our job to judge – yet I observe and comment.

What I’ve observed is that no action can be made without reflection. After we’ve reflected on the choice and analyzed the social and personal costs, we must give ourselves permission to act – first through open discussion, then through moving towards the shifts that are in alignment with the desired outcome. We must educate ourselves on how to arrive at that outcome – To open up a business, one must learn about Business.

This doesn’t necessitate that we go to school to learn business – this is one way. But we should work in the field in which our business is guided to have a sense of that environment. Mentorship is equally a suitable procedure towards learning. Reading books on the subject, researching business strategies and analyzing the markets are foundation building. But at the core, the individual must have a genuine penchant for business – there must be a core in place that allows one to be a natural leader, understand finances, understands consumer base and client relations – these are called entrepreneurial spirit. Without this core, one will find greater challenges in their pursuit of running a business.

We have to realize this before acting.

I know young entrepreneurs who are successful – some make more money then their parents, and some even employ their parents… They have learned, on an intuitive and reasoning level some of these aspects… They have evolved towards this understanding. It doesn’t depend on Age – but on inclination – this is a part of our Character and Disposition.

Some people makes excuses as to why they cannot. Others make excuses as to why they don’t want to.

Other’s don’t know how to make excuses and try, regardless of the outcome and others come by their knowledge naturally.

The world takes all kinds.

Making a new day is that moment when we awaken and realize the now isn’t enough. I am cautious in acting, often times too cautious – I like to promote understanding before we act on impulse – unless we aren’t concern with the results, when our mind is set on the benefits.
I have no judgment – do/be/go – but in my own world of observation – I notice far too often the disharmony that is created when we act without right reason, nor in consideration as to the cost of our decisions.

A friend of mine, whom I’ve written about here before – use to be a Heroine Addict. He spent fifteen years chasing that dragon and one morning realized that he didn’t like himself and needed to change – three years and two tragic relationships later, he was clean. A few nights ago, he and his new girlfriend were at a party where there was cocaine present – he did a small line and enjoyed the night, as most adults do – with his friend.
He is willing to pay the price.
But he doesn’t know what he will be paying for in the long run – time will reveal all.

Some are willing to act regardless of the outcome.

Will he return to drug use? Many of us are of the mind that you cannot recreationally return to drugs, when you once lived a life of addiction.
Maybe he is the exception and not the rule.

Everything ushers and experience – good and bad. These are judgments.

He did it because in his mind, he is smarter than it – he can outsmart his desire for that next high. I’m not sure – but it’s none of my business – it is yet another stone in that heap of life lessons that I myself draw from when I think about the power of choices and their consequences.

What am I willing to pay for an experience?

The truth is, I’m not inspired by human experiences – I have had my fill.

I have my own addictions and habits I must learn to let go and overcome… But I am pulled to consolidate my collective Karma, face my demons and learn to embrace the angels of my better nature and ascend to that place where I manifest my reality and not be dictated by it.

I look at the play of self-deception people delude themselves in and use them as jumping boards to extrapolate within myself meanings that help me assemble a broader picture. I write about them, to help coalesce them and foment them in my mind. Then I release the definitions, without making an agreement with them – because tomorrow, I will arrive at a different perspective.

I’m realizing daily my own self-deceptive patterns that help materialize and govern my life – but I haven’t yet asked myself, what am I willing to pay to maintain them? Because for me, the cost is My Life – will I burn through yet another life, to hold onto what I know to be real and substantial – when their may be a greater truth out there – but is hidden from my eyes because of my own self-delusion?

Like the character in the Lie To Me series, I can read the patterns that are deceptions and often times, I confront them – even my own – and often despite myself. I’m willing to pay that price, even with my life – because that is my nature…

And the crazy thing is – it took me 37 years to realize this part about myself.