“But some emotions don't make a lot of noise. It's hard to hear pride. Caring is real faint - like a heartbeat. And pure love: why, some days it's so quiet, you don't even know it's there” Erma Bombeck

Our Mothers were down to visit over the Easter Holiday – I last saw my Mother over the Christmas Holidays and my Mother-in-Law several months before that. My mama was sick, so she retired early.

My Brother-in-Law was over to visit, and we had dinner at our home… After dinner, the two children began to engage their mother – I sat and mediated. My Partner lives with a lot of resentment – but it isn’t guided resentment. It is a pure emotion with her – and perhaps one of the main proponents that distances us in our relationship…

She confronted her Mother about being a ‘Mother.’ Not that their mother wasn’t present, she nurtured her children adequately; but my Partner felt that their mother didn’t do a lot in way of preparing her children for the Real World as Adults… They lacked the tools for coping with social stresses and responsibilities.

My Partner, like her mother, is terrible at keeping promises – that involve timeliness…

Her mother recounted remembering how when holding her as an infant, she’d confide in her all of the pains and sorrows in her heart. My partner is the second of four children (I’m the first of four) but was held in reverence by their mother…

It was then that I realized, seeing the emotions connected with the moment, that her mother would dump all of her anxieties, fears, inadequacies – along with curiosities, creative energies, and genuine attraction to natural sciences, into her child (partner) as a sacred vessel.

We have become the sacred vessels of our Parents… And they to their Parents… And so forth…

I have no children – so I do not see that relationship – but as I now look at our new humans and their parents, I begin to see the parallels of how Parents unload their emotional baggage onto their children… As empathic beings, these vessels collect every ounce of emotions and try to metabolize it as their own…
This is how we begin to assimilate who we are as individuals, as we emerge into form from the formless…

As a child, I developed severe earaches and infections. It cost me 80% of my hearing in my Left Ear and 20% in my Right Ear. Later in my teens – still experiencing earaches and infections – I began to develop migraines…

Since my early 30’s I’ve resolved to stop taking any form of medications to cope with the chronic pain in my head… Consequently, I’ve connected with this state of being as being a major contributor to my State of Welfare and Character… Mixed with the shape, mass, size and plasticity of my brain. It made me who I am today...

I was afraid of the side effects of these over the counter drugs that were available to ease pain and discomfort – the most troubling was to me, the risk of Kidney failure… I would rather live with migraines than to live on dialysis and have migraines because of the damage caused to my Kidneys…

I remember my mother saying that she had Migraines growing up – I didn’t know what a headache was until I was almost 18 – since 19 I haven’t known what it felt like not having a migraine… My mother felt some comfort and relief for a better part of a decade – but over the last 10 years, they’ve been getting worse… Her refuge was Ibuprofen. The consequence, her Doctor told her two weeks ago that her Kidneys were working at less than 50% efficiency. Though, in every way, she is in great health for an early 60’s woman, they could not attribute anything to the decline of the health of her Kidneys… When he mentioned that it could have been drug related… She eventually came about realizing that it was her reliance on Ibuprofen to help her survive her migraines that caused the damages…

Our children anchor the world, and like sponges, absorb our sins…

But we’ve reached Critical Mass – and things are coming to a head – because we the adults are failing our children by not acting like adults… We haven’t been taking responsibility for our thoughts and actions – and learned to deal with our own karma without passing them on, as traits, to our children…

I chose not to be a parent to a child feeling that I served the world better by playing the role of parent to the world.
Over the last few years, my capacity to see myself within the context of the world seems to have grown and broaden, in scope and clarity. I realize that patterns of human character and behavior that encourages the world – the motivational forces that agitate and harmonize; crystallize the material fabric of our reality.

My entries are merely ways to work through the thoughts and visions – as I realize more, the less inclined I am to write – because the silence begins to overtake me… I’m beginning to feel that silence overtaking me – and it is peaceful… Because, as I draw closer to this place, the Throne of the World comes into focus and from this vantage, a greater portion of what I see comes into focus. Like a lens on the world…

I prefer the silence.