Well... this is less about ascension and more about life. This isn't the first time this has happened, but I woke up a few mornings ago thinking, "fuck, so this is life? It sucks". I felt so grey that morning, that impending feeling of doom I get when I feel like my dreams will not come true and I am stuck in a cold hard disconnected reality. It happens just out of sleep, or even out of a nap. It feels like shit.
I dont like my job. I dont make enough money to cover all of my bills, not to mention the large amount of debt that I have to put to the side and ignore. The credit card company calls me every fucking day. I dont have a girlfriend, and havent had sex in about 5 months. Im also somewhat depressed, not as bad as before, but im really feeling challenged by the inner workings of my mind.
On the bonus, I have entered the heart space a few more times, where non of that shit matters. It doesn't last long, but it feels like home. Its my self. Why does it always go away or get covered up? Ive also been working out everyday of the week, except for today (dont have enough money for gas to go to the gym, lol, fuck you world!). Ive been playing my guitar like a robot, and feel so uninspired, with an occasional sweet note that strikes me with a spark of excitement. I feel so sloppy on that guitar of mine, what happened? Im blocked huh? Im exhausted as well.
Well... the illusion of the matrix seems more real than ever right now. This dull and cold concrete realm eats away at my dreams like a corrosive acid. Still, I don't give up. I will never give up. I feel like I am as limited as my mind is right now. Im just pissed off that when I enter a sacred space of the heart, I cant stay in there yet. I hope that will change, and I will dream of the day that I stay eternally in the heart and free of the confines of the dark mind.