For the releasing, I thought I would write down my life as I have known it, for others to take the wisdom there in, and use it as they see fit. When I was a child, I always remember being a very kind person. My Mother use to say that I was the easiest going child in the world. Whenever someone would give me gifts, I was always so grateful. I had a gentle spirit, but I never really got along well in school. I just didn’t know how to relate to others. I didn’t understand the peer relationships.
My school life was a wreck, mainly because my social relationships were very poor, and my home life was not that great either. I use to come home every day to fighting and screaming, or being screamed at, so I learned to lock myself in my room, with my video games, and not come out. Not saying there wasn’t good times too, vacations, and happy moments, but I learned very quickly in my household not to speak up, and to hide as much as possible, with my social relationships as bad as they were, I learned not to speak there either. I learned that speaking=violence, and so I learned very quickly to hide behind a mask.
I can remember wishing to be female since I was 5 years old, for some reason I always felt that I was not meant to be a boy, and this feeling plagued me all throughout my life. I always felt that I should be a girl, and that I was born in the wrong body. When I was young, everyone thought I was a girl, and my mom would constantly correct them until I got older.
I was also overweight, and was made fun of quite a bit for that towards 5th grade, when everyone was developing, I also started developing breasts, which at the time, was an embarrassment for me.
By the time I entered middle school, I had become severely anorexic, between my Father being an obsessive heath freak, and him constantly condemning my Mother for being overweight, I quickly learned that overweight=bad, and began to obsessively count calories.
I was severely underweight by the end of middle school, which was also the time I started becoming extremely obsessive compulsive. I had a running total of 120 affirmations I had to say from minute to minute, and a whole group of rituals like not stepping on cracks, and not looking at anyone overweight.
I was alone, depressed, and my life had become unbearable, with no friends, and home life, we moved, and I was hoping things would get better. By the time I got to high school, things were not any better. I still lacked the social skills necessary to maintain relationships, and I also had an increasing hatred of my life and my body.
Around 15 was when I came upon magick. The first time I encountered it was with a group of individuals that, looking back, were just as reckless as I was. Many of them practiced very dark magick, but the moment I saw it, I knew that I had to have the power. For me, the feeling was that for the first time in my life, there was something I could use to CONTROL the outcome, to gain power in my life, and to do something about it. Up until that point, I had spent my life alone, depressed, and miserable, and I felt I had nothing left to lose. The reality is I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
I ended up meeting a group of Wiccans, which in retrospect, was more of a cult than a family, though we called it a family, where I had a spiritual Mother and Father, who were, to be honest, the creepiest of the creepiest people you could ever meet. My spiritual “Father”, would tell stories of how he killed cats, and loved it, but I was 15, and stupid, and for me this was the first family I ever had. The short end of the story, I didn’t think.
From the point I started using magick it became an obsession for me, replacing the obsession/compulsive behavior I had before. I was reading obsessively every book I could get a hand on, and casting spells without even thinking, all I cared about was the power, and I started seeing that somehow my life was starting to get under control, or so I thought. I had tons of friends, a life, and I was feeling more empowered than I ever thought I could before. I ended up having a great girlfriend, and then two seconds later, with my own fear, dropped all of my friends and my girlfriend, and retreated into my room.
I stayed in that room for years between spirals of locking myself away and never coming out, and then going out into all night goth clubs, where we would drink to excess and do drugs. Somewhere along the way I lost track of myself, and ended up dropping out of high school.
I became obsessed with magick, and no-one could stand in my way, nothing matter to me but achieving my goals, and part of that was having surgery to be a woman. I felt, that once that occurred, everything in my life would somehow be better, and no-one and nothing mattered more than that.
Eventually on my quest for “enlightenment”, because it was everything but, I ended up having the thought one day, “How can I know good, if I don’t know evil?”
I began lying (on purpose), manipulating, and getting “revenge”, on those who had done me wrong. To me, I always rationalized my magick by saying that it was all just grand psychology, and that it was nothing more than expressing my emotions in a positive way.
To me, with all the self-hatred I had, my body became nothing more than a tool to be used for my own spiritual gain, and that began my spiral into darkness. It took awhile, but I eventually embraced Satanism fully, exploring the Qlippoth, and the Dark Side of the Tree, eventually reaching a point of deep disconnection from the force. I ended up having surgery, and things where better for awhile, I was in school, life was going good.
But my false beliefs caught up with me, somehow I felt that I need to escape reality or “break through”, and all my teachings were based on the concept that all of this was grand psychology, and that the body was to be used in any way I saw fit. I did so much damage to my body in both physical and sexual ways, all to myself, and always alone. I liked the pain, and after awhile, I enjoyed it.
My body became a wall-work of scars. Eventually while I was in school, I reached my breaking point, and while entering an obsessive relationship with two other people, and having to “break through”, so caught up in lies and disillusionment, I ended up taking so many drugs that I had two nervous breakdowns, and completely fell apart. (I found out later that I was raped severely not only during this time, but likely by my ex too, to wear I now have bladder damage, and had to have surgery on my colon and rectum).
I started cutting myself on a daily basis, and entered a severely abusive relationship, I remember one time having cut myself, lying bleeding on the floor, my ex came and kicked me in the stomach and said, “Maybe next time you won’t be so stupid.” And walked away. I needed help.
Somehow I was able to work for over a year and a half, but with my crack addicted girlfriend, who was also drinking every day and taking my money, and one of the hardest jobs I have ever worked, my stress reached critical and I was fired.
At this point, I had no idea what to do, my life was pure hell, I had gained almost 300 lbs., and I was on so much psychiatric medication from the doctors that I was a walking zombie, a corpse of what I use to be. So demented and disillusioned, I still held on to my demonolatry beliefs, but at this point I was doing rituals because I was addicted to them, not even because I wanted to. To me, it was nothing to throw a curse or send out a spirit, because, “It was all in my head.”
At some point, after calling the cops on my girlfriend, and somehow kicking her out, I ended up moving home, with very little aspirations. One weekend when I went on vacation with my Father, I had ended up at a point where I had once again nothing left to lose, except this time, I really didn’t, I had lost everything that mattered in my life , my first girlfriend who I loved with all my heart, and my marriage to my ex whom I also loved, and never wanted to leave.
My mind was shot, reality was so far away I couldn’t even have spotted the Truth if I was looking at it, and I am still recovering in some ways. I had lied to myself so long, I didn’t even realize I was lying.
Lying became a way of life, to cope. My parents never accepted my beliefs, and I learned that to survive was to hide behind the wall of Christianity, and just tell people what they wanted to hear.
So I put in a prayer request at a Church there, and I said, “Please take away these demons, and this pain, heal me.” Something to that effect.
Within a years time, I woke up one day in my disillusionment, and felt my soul come slamming back into my body, for the first time in years, I knew something was different. Within a year or more time, I had stopped the rituals I was doing, was attending church, lost all the weight, and was attending school again.
It didn’t happen all at once, but slowly I began to recover, though my mind was still severely brain damaged from the overdose of drugs I took, and all the psych meds. Today, I take only two psych drugs, and at their lowest doses, and have completely turned away from the dark things I have done in my past, quit cutting myself, and having started to love me more, though it is still a slow road, something happen quicker than others. I still drink from time to time, when I feel I need a break from reality, but for the most part my life is good. I just felt like I needed to share this (condensed story) today from my Heart, about a person who made some terrible life choices, but was able to turn them around for the better.
I can say because of my past I have made mistakes since then, I have channeled the wrong things at times, allowed myself to be sucked into the lower forces, at times, and said things to people I cared about, that I regret. I have grown a long way in the years since I experienced that loss, and that is why I am sitting here today, talking to you. I am learning, to be honest, and to find myself again, after losing myself completely. If this story helps even one person to know, that no matter what you have gone through in life, you are still loved, and there is still hope, then I am glad I have written it today.
As for me, this blog is my closing of the old chapters of my life, and embracing today a new beginning, a bright future, and a reality where I take not only responsibility for my choices, but love myself through them.
With so much love,
Lesley