So the last 3 days have bee very interesting. I have been blogging about my see- saw emotions earlier and the chatter going on within me. I came across a very nice person,heaven sent I feel, and have been sharing my thoughts and feelings with this new acquaintance. Through my conversation with this new friend I feel like I am at a calmer place then I was in the past few months. Definitely a better place vibrationally.

One day as I was going through the usual mind boggling arguing going on within me, I suddenly felt as if I was looking at the chatter from an observer perspective. I felt like I was looking at the chatter instead of doing the arguing myself. This part of me, felt like it was peaceful and still and a silent observer. Then I realized that this was my first encounter with my higher self. Yay!! Like I said in my earlier blogs, I am a newbie at this thing and so this was a biggie for me. I have read about higher self aspects quite a bit, but not really experienced it like this. I asked it a question about what's been going on with me recently and why am I going through this turmoil. And the answers appeared in my mind very fast and without hesitation. This is what I gathered from the responses I got from my HS.

My higher self has orchestrated this perfectly so I get to go back to my past, experience it again, and bring up all memories attached to it including my traumas, disappointments and happy memories that I have been clinging on to. It is letting me experience them fully, so that all the unspoken fears and attachments come out in the open, to be processed, released and healed. This is a test. And I am fully in the process of undergoing it. At some level I have been holding myself back from forming an intimate relationship with any guy, after I left my ex in the past. I hadn't let my guard down even when I got married. I don't think that I even gave my marriage a fair chance, for I had always reserved that space for my ex and that too exclusively. That became obvious to me now after my reunion visit.The ex in India has played a very important role in my life, to help me go through this process of getting in touch with my shadow side. I feel like its in our soul contract and we know each other from past lives. My higher self tells me that the past has to be released if I have to move in to the future, wether it be to resurrect my relationship with my husband and start brand new or wether it be with anyone else, or my ex, or wether it be just starting a new phase in my life, that may not have to do with a relationship with anyone. We wouldn't have gone to marriage counseling and we wouldn't be trying to make this marriage work, for I had given up hope and was going on autopilot mode. This trip back to my past has made me open up my eyes and stand up for myself, so that I can ask for a better relationship and not put up with how its always been in a rut. In other words, my old self is dying, my old relationship structures are dying and I am seeing this transformation right in front of my eyes which is causing me sadness and turmoil, and the dark night of the soul, but out of this will emerge something spectacular.It's through creativity that I will express myself and find a way to fulfill and complete myself.

In order to make the leap into the next dimension or consciousness, it has to be a quantum leap. If you think of a rubber band and how it gets pulled back, the further it gets pulled back the further it will go when released, well that is exactly how I feel right now, I fee like a rubber band that has been pulled back to its limit. My trip back to my past, took me way back in the depth of it all. And when the time is right, I will let it all go!

The void is the space I have created right now in my life to let me experience this without trying to jump into any hasty decisions. There is a deep strength in me, that has been tapped into because of this that lets me be patient enough to go through this. This has to be played out the way it is for it is transforming me and I can see the inter-relationships in my life light up like a matrix that gets exposed. The illusion is apparent now and the roles I have played in it as well. But this entire experience is being orchestrated by me, so that I can make a key shift in my spiritual journey.

Today, as I was sitting and discussing our marriage counseling efforts with my husband. He has a tendency to take things in a very logical and structured manner and has been reading all marriage counseling books in a dedicated manner, outlining the points and all. I was telling him that regardless what a third person or professional has to say about what we should about our marriage, that we should listen to more of what messages we are getting from inside, for we are unique and no general prescribed formula can fit us as a couple. We can figure this out ourselves and that we should be intuitive and receptive to our inner selves. My husband interrupted me as I was saying this and pointed out a beautiful lone blue bird standing in our backyard to me. It's body was shimmery dark but and it had brown streaks on its wings.And there it was, I looked through the window and said to myself isn't that beautiful, he has come to visit us, at which point the bird flew up and perched on the kid's basketball hoop outside the window and looked straight at us for a minute or so before flying off. Definitely felt like this little visitor had a message for us. I went online and looked up pictures of some birds till I identified it, and then looked up the totem meaning. It was a Blue Grosbeak. And the totem meaning was absolutely relevant to what my husband and I were
discussing at that time.

Grosbeak: Grosbeak teaches it is a time to heal wounds for mental and emotional harmony. Forgiveness and caring should be exercised as relationships are evaluated. She shows the fine balance of situations and connection to family. She aids in recognizing the spiritual and physical aspects of all things. Grosbeak teaches to awaken to surroundings in increase activity in life. Watch for movement in new experiences. She helps in recognizing your own voice and internal power. Grosbeak shows how to increase psychic perceptions while remaining balanced within the new awakening you are experiencing.

Grosbeak: Healing the family heart

I just love the synchronicity of it all!! Perfect message from the universe!! :)

Love to All,
Pinakini