Things are different now.
I am able to go, I have the drive, the inner fire is a blazing, but things arn't perfect. I may have been working a little too hard, exhausting myself. I make sure there is enough time to relax, but Im not sure if I have got that part down perfectly either. Yes balance is important, doing my best. Sometimes I will get home and unintentionally fall asleep for a nap as if someone had drugged me, but then when it comes to bed time, I will be completely and utterly exhausted, but not sleepy. Today Im taking it a little too easy, pop bottles and chocolate bar wrappers scatter upon my bed like a fallout wasteland (this is an exaggeration).
That new found bliss and joy that came sweeping in doesn't always seem to stick around when that dirty devil of an ego wants more, and I get a little flustered. Its kind of funny, because Ive noticed some great things coming in, but its not all pure perfection, and therefor I am upset. Im aware of how silly it is. I should be happy of how far I have come, but the truth is, I am not yet. Sometimes, its the devil that drives the ship toward a deceptive mirage of treasure island.
Friday night I really wanted to be myself. I felt a little off, like I wasn't the 100% super fucking awesome me. My friend made me a necklace out of giant turqoise beads, an Om symbol, and a laughing buddha on it. He told me he made it for me because I make him laugh and I am the funniest person he had ever met. I thought it was so thoughtful, but I didn't like the way it looked 100%. I also didn't feel 100% pleased over how great it is to be a person that makes people laugh, and I wasn't 100% heartwarmed over the amazing gift. I got cuddles and kisses from a girl, but I didn't like her 100%. It felt great, but not 100% great. At the club, I had fun, but not 100% fun. I danced well, but not 100% awesome. I remember looking in the mirror with my shirt off, and I thought that I looked great, but I wanted to be bigger.
It appears as if I am in shallow waters here! I feel a little guilty over being shallow and expressing it.
Manifestations are coming, but they are like half of what I ask for. I can tell I am being ungrateful, even though I want to be grateful. There is this demon in me that wants more, better, bigger, more amazing, and Im looking right at him. I can see ironically how this demon that wants more, actually stops me from getting more.