Well I never really understood RELIGION. I never understood the purpose of CHURCH either. From my earliest memories of this human life I can only recall that Sunday, which the Bible verses I didn't really understand, said was a Day of Rest, but in whichever world reality I was living in on whichever Sunday it was that had me squirming around in my "little handsome, my oh my don't you look adorable, like a little man" suit and "don't you dare get dirty you little heathen!", one thing was always for sure and for certain to me....going to church on Sunday was never alot of anything but headache, arguments, and work. Get up early, eat a good meal, make and answer alot of phone calls, make sure the car had gas, the dogs had food, clean up the kitchen, take showers, iron clothes, find clothes, change clothes again and again, polish shoes, answer the phone, comb your hair, fuss, fuss, fiddle, fix, blah, blah, blah, and the phone...is it ringing again? JEEEEZ can't a fella just watch some cartoons and enjoy a chocolate milk mustache?
And uh, what exactly is Southern Baptist? I mean I've seen Southern Babtist, whitey style. And then I've FELT Southern Baptist, "Praise Jesus mmmhmmm and Amen Brotha's and Sista's" style. And somewhere along the line I stood, knelt, stood, knelt, stood, knelt, myself into a arthritus with a Catholic service or two and "Hey, I want a cracker and koolaid" Why doesn't God want me to have some too? And I want to go in the tiny room and talk to that man who doesn't smile and ask him WHY mister man of God don't you seem happy? And none of these prayers ever sound like God bless Mommie, and God bless Daddy. I sat beside my Dad and accepted Jesus as my personal Lord and Savior (I say to Jesus now, I Love You my Brother, I hear Your wisdom my Lord, I AM Grateful my Friend for your sacrifice that we may know the LIGHT and the WAY.) and I allowed a man I didn't know or really trust to dunk my head in a kiddie pool that was set high above a sea of faces in a huge room and I never knew GOD through any of that.
The stories in the bible that I was supposed to know...never made sense. Hell....never made sense. Religion....never made sense. I....never made sense. Being ever so fortunate a being (hee hee) to be born a Scorpio from the womb of a Scorpio, and raised by an Earth Family that never understood the stars or the impact the stars truely have on us as humans, I never really made sense to anyone. If it had been around during the time of my developement I surely would have been given the wonder drugs that children are given today to "cure" me of ADD or ADHD or blah blah ( HEY WHY DON'T YOU JUST ACCEPT, LOVE, AND SPEND TIME WITH YOUR LITTLE WEIRDO'S PEOPLE, MAYBE YOU'D DISCOVER THE ONLY WEIRDO IS YOU FOR TRYING TO STOMP OUT THE WONDER OF LIFE FROM THE HEART OF CHILD.) So I was surely sorely misunderstood, by everyone, especially myself.
The closest I ever came to knowing God was when I cried after I shot a Blue Jay. I took it's life, and I saw the beauty of it's spirit fade out of it's eyes right before me. Or when I cried because the Praying Mantis I found and caged died after I left it's cage too close to a gas can and the fumes suffocated it. Or when I cried because my pet turtle died when I accidentally knocked it into the scalding water in the sink basin where I was soaking it's rocks from the bowl I kept it in. I understood God at these moments as I became responsible for the life of another and I assumed responsibility for releasing their spirit from Earthly life. I just didn't know it. Oh I have hunted, and fished, and squished bugs as any boy might do, and I say I AM sorry, and I AM Forgiven for being an idiot. But the moments when anothers life was my responsiblility to keep and I loved, and subsequently failed to keep, these moments are the ones I felt God within me.
Beyond that, the closest I ever came to knowing God was standing at my Grandmother's grave years after her passing, and just as I began my journey into manhood. I let my intuition and fragmented memory of her funeral guide me close, and her spirit led me to her marker where I talked to her and recieved guidance. Love, have Faith, suck it up son, and live life. That was the jist of it. I came out of the military, absolutely sure of myself, and soon found out that I wasn't sure of anything, least of all myself. I had my house burn down and was given a reprieve from the law all on the same night, and from that experience I found out what family, friendship, loyalty, and Faith really were. In that process I also discovered alot about what I really was, and really wasn't and somewhere in that melee of life I found Love and for a moment, Myself, or so I thought.
And moment ago becomes a moment in my life, where I say everyday, "Have Faith, everything will work itself out in the end" and I never really KNEW what that meant, but it always felt good to hear myself say. And then came the moment I began to walk my Spiritual Path. I began to see beyond what was right in front of me, and I began to understand more about myself from the begining of this human life, without ever REALLY understanding, and I just FELT that I have always been on my Path from each moment to the next and I shared this discovery and each new discovery with all those around me loved ones or not.... AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT? EVERYONE FLED FOR COVER BEFORE ME BECAUSE I MUST BE CRAZY! NO NO even better than that I HELPED THEM FLEE FASTER WHEN I TOLD THEM THAT I AM NOT ONLY CRAZY BUT I AM HAPPY AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT THEY THINK BECAUSE THE WORLD IS....ENDING, CHANGING, DOING SOMETHING DIFFERENT AND I KNOW THEY FEEL IT TOO.
And as is the only way for me I find myself apart, and living by myself, but I AM, so I am never alone. Father watched over me and helped me find the strength within while I cried to get through another night alone. And as I awakened and opened my eyes to who I AM I see the depth of my past lives, and let me tell you something people, I AM TRUELY NEVER ALONE. Maybe I am crazy. Not for the thoughts and feelings within me, but for trying to share the depth of me with so many who could never understand what depth IS ME, the depth of I AM.
So I lay pondering my journey not so very long ago, as I searched within and as I began learning how to release it all to my Higher Self, I just went ahead and asked my Higher Self the question that REALLY has plagued me most of this life about why I never saw what others saw. I said "Higher Self, AM I crazy?"
To which my Higher Self just smiled kindly, shrugged and replied "I love you!"
It feels good to be crazy.