“There must be a stronger foundation than mere friendship or sexual attraction. Unconditional love, agape love, will not be swayed by time or circumstances. ” Stephen Kendrick
She told me she Loved me Unconditionally, without knowing who I really was. She was adjusting to a 'Feeling' or 'Sense' that she felt emanating from me - but I told her that it could only be one sided, because I could not be to her what she was looking for - yet she was never honest with me by telling me what she was sincerely looking for. I was merely a silhouette of that 'Something.'
I had already promised my heart and life to someone else - it was for her, transference - I was an Ideal. And when she realized that I wasn't the definition of her illusionary model, she left me.
With her, I chose to be completely open and honest about my every thoughts and feelings - my past and present.
We look in life for Honesty - particularly with our spouses - However, when our Honesty becomes weapons to be used against us - we learn quickly not to reveal anything about ourselves to the people we sincerely love. We use Love as a weapon.
Because he refuses to do something that goes against his Character, she withholds her love and Sex to punish him - this is a betrayal, because what was at the core was her desire to be dominant of the relationship.
We live in fairytale worlds.
True love cannot be compromised or betrayed - it always does the 'Right Thing.'
It is our descriptions and expectations that betray us - when we don't get our way, we use the tools we have on hand to force or manipulate the conditions to our own favor - yet this is a betrayal of that definition - Unconditionality.
We all have our demons. We all have our skeletons in our closet - They are choices, they are conclusions to thoughts we put into motion through acting upon an impulse or desire.
All desires are Ego Manifested - we are motivated by our desire to be recognized and seen... Or in my case, 'un-seen.'
In my reality, there is no 'One Love' there is only Unconditionality - I love all things - even those things that harm me - betray me...
Yet, through some defect of my character or personality - I have a tendency to Withdraw, to retreat within myself, not because I am selfish - but because I am vulnerable and afraid.
I didn't trust her - that she was being sincere - I knew that she was looking for that 'One Love' and that I wasn't that 'Thing.' And I made it known to her - and yet, what brought her to me was our Light - she came to me to heal me - and yet, once she realized that she could not heal me - she abandoned me - like so many others... Because I Withdrew when I realized that things were carried too far.
I did nothing unbecoming - but rather, because of my Personal Philosophy of 'Non-rejection' I could not reject the events that were happening in my life - but rather, I could step back and observe the events and myself to better understand the motivations and wishes that are being fulfilled - 'is this the Path I should follow, or a peril that will endanger me?' A flower can be both beautiful and poisonous - but its venom should never distract from its beauty.
In the end, Sincerity of Character prevails and the true path is always revealed - she went on her own way and we've never spoken again... I fear she is still looking for that 'thing' she's always been looking for.
I would have been happy to help her find it - because I love her - not as a man loves his wife, nor as a father loves his daughter - but as the self loves its own parts - because I know of no other way how to Love then to see the world as one pure, indivisible unit - an extension of my self.
I'm not perfect yet - my Love isn't 'Unconditional.' But its close to that - I don't let my feelings and thoughts tamper with who I really am - who I ought to really be... Sincerity of Character is that very thing - when in all conditions one is firmly anchored to the roots of their true selves...
I am inspired by a sincere smile. I am uplifted wherever there is Sincere Joy. I am motivated whenever there is gentleness in the World around me... A flower, a stray animal, a laughing infant... I become entranced whenever I see a plastic bag caught in a dustdevil, or a leaf that is carried on an invisible current - of being the sole spectator of a secret ballet of inorganics... I am drawn to simplicity...
I don't want to stop Loving every expression in this World - I cannot compromise that core of myself, even when it hurts the people in my life... Yet, I will not betray my vows, nor neglect my obligations... I am bound by duty - where I may fail is in the execution - where my desire to uphold fails to meet the challenges of a particular event... In these instances, I merely lack the tools to overcome and push forward... But I never give up without first 'Trying' - because, in the end, it wasn't about the results of my efforts, but rather that I tried with sincerity.
I'm still looking to be healed... To consolidate my debts that I owe to my creator - to atone for my sins and the burdens I've inherited from (my) past lives...
Through my eyes, I see nothing but beauty - that no one needs to suffer, because their burdens are few - I alone carry the entirety of the world's burdens, because I have piled them onto my heap... Out of Love for all things...
And some days, I may hate you for it, for this burden. But the truth is - I did it to myself out of want, because it is a worthwhile desire - to me, in my heart, to see any one suffer is an unbearable pain, and I would rather suffer lifetimes so that all can know Glory and Love... Because, for me, there is no truer way to live this life, or the next...
My only sin is in how crappily I'm doing my Job... And it is to you all that I am sorry for this. I can only do better... And I Try...