For the last few days, I have gone through an intensely 3d experience. I felt, once again, that old heaviness, borne of self loathing and severe judgment. Such a difficult and lonely and awkward place to find myself. Wanting the feel exalted, tall, glowing again, and instead, just hating myself for these super-awful transgressions, such as not putting away my clean laundry, treating ourselves to dinner and a movie, daring to consider taking a solo road trip.
Ah, what whacky fun.
No surprise that during these dark days, I felt more intensely and quite inconsolably lonely.
My kid sometimes will get real upset, and will be brimming with love for me and for what we create together, and he'll cry and cry while holding my hand and chanting, "I miss you!"
I did not understand this until last night. Finally released from these horrible bonds of separation, I felt happier, lighter, freer, than I had in a week, and here is my weeping boy, being held by my warm embrace, rocking, rocking, as he cried, "I miss you."
He misses home. He often says he doesn't think of me as human, he thinks of me, thinks I am a human angel. I think all kids think that about their parents, and it's more to do with knowing who's buying your lunch. But that's from being raised by an eccentric abuser and an absent, depressed mother. I have never thought highly of this whole thing.
But when I feel down or question what is real, I think about my son, and realize that he misses GOD, he misses HOME, and I represent that to him.
I told him several months ago that even though he didn't like "the God talk", I was no longer going to censor myself. I told him, he chose me as a parent, and he's just going to have to man up and let me speak.
And he does. Sometimes after complaining, but always to good effect.
He's the kid who knows more about my ascension process than anyone, because he has been exposed to it. He has seen me go from eating 3 bags of Dove candies a night to eating fruit and losing a hundred pounds. He is there when I have peak experiences. And he's the person who fetches me toilet paper when I am on the pot and am out. It's sort of a 5d/3d package deal.
So no that I have come out of my funk, I am going to keep shining light on my patch of coast as best I can, with harm to none, INCLUDING MYSELF.
I did not enjoy hating myself and my creations. And it came as a bit of a shock, but as always, it is much more shocking in retrospect than when I am in the middle of it. When I am in the middle of it, all I want is it to stop.
So, I'll shine on cos I am a crazy diamond, and I encourage each and every human angel out there doing the heavy lifting for this unusual race to keep your chin up. I can feel Gaia's skin rippling, just under the surface. I feel so much is about to happen.
And I couldn't be happier about it.
Blessings to all.