Before I even start my blog, I gotta give it to Mother Earth. For some reason I'm awake for the sunrise.
Something I don't do that often in the winter time...with good reason, it's FIVE DEGREES outside. Beautiful
takes on a whole new level of meaning this morning. The sliver moon is up there with two bright stars for
company and the sun is spreading the most amazing golden colour across the horizon. How blessed are we to
get live on this amazing planet? Couldn't NOT say something about it.
Anyway, lately I've been seeing a whole buncha old stuff come up again. Empty stuff. Kinda like thistledown.
Things that happened in my life are kinda blowing through the scene yet again. Usually when this happens, these
annoying reruns I mostly 'turn them off'. I understand that those are 'finished' experiences. I've had them,
grown, and expanded in that growth, so I figure there's not much point in 'watching' as this parade of old stuff
goes by. Last night, for some reason, I decided to just go with it, follow those thoughts and see where they
took me. MAAAN, did I get a surprise. Saw things from a whole new perspective. Kinda neat though. Got to see
my life from a whole new angle I'd never considered before. Gained some long overdue appreciation.
Here's the thing, when I decided to get born I chose a really good family. I spose I coulda ended up in the
Sudan starving, but nope, I picked a family with all sorta material success and comfort. Not just material
success either, we were a Leave It To Beaver family in more ways than I can count. It shoulda been an amazing
childhood and growing up. Everything was right there for me. A loving family, every opportunity for health
and education and alla that sorta stuff, AND we all loved each other and had a good time together. HOW did
I manage to spend the first 18 years of my life living there, in all that comfort and luxury, in the heart
of such a lovely family and MISS the whole bloody thing?
Appreciation wasn't something I had much of in those days. Yeah, I enjoyed all the trappings and stuff that
material wealth brought, but I never quite 'fit' into my family. Nothing ever seemed as good then as it
does looking back from here. I cheated myself big time. Why would you do that you might ask...the why
is the easy part...I did not like myself...not one little bit.
When you don't like who you are, the world simply doesn't fit very well. You can see with your logical mind
that there's no real reason to be miserable, but I was. It was almost like I didn't allow myself to see the
love and joy and comfort because I was uncomfortable with myself on the inside. Felt like I didn't deserve
to be happy, to be fulfilled, even to be loved. It's really hard to let others love you freely when you don't
love yourself. I spent my teen years wallowing in angst. It was my main occupation in those days. Whatta
wasted opportunity. For decade after decade I carried myself along with me wherever I went like some sorta
'in house enemy'.
Now think about this for a minute...I musta had a pretty 'clean slate' when I arrived on planet. I mean I
musta worked through all sorta Karma and such over previous lifetimes cause I landed in such an 'easy berth'
for this lifetime. Ya hear absolute horror stories about the kinda lives some folks have, mine was a smooth
run, or woulda been, if I had allowed it for myself. Everything was laid out for me, I just didn't take the
time to appreciate it because I was so busy feeling...ummm...unloveable, I guess.
It felt hard living my life. But from here I can see that I only made it hard on myself, and even then my
idea of a hard life is miles apart from what could honestly be considered hard in any way. It's like Universe
said, OK, go have this Earth life, gonna be your last, gonna be the easiest, go on down there and enjoy your last
go round. Of course I said, NO, I'd rather play victim and suffering games with myself. I don't deserve
anything better than that. How STUPID can one person GET???
Now I dunno if finally having this awareness, this new perspective, means that old stuff is finally gonna
depart for once and all. Kinda hope so. It's not that there's any energy or emotion left in those old
experiences...they are just kinda embarrassing. I mean who would enjoy looking back at yourself miss the
point entirely? I have great compassion for the self I was all those years. Not loving yourself is a
really crappy way to live, yet I seemed to take hold of that and wear it like some sorta badge of honour.
Look at me, I'm a creepy, unhappy, unfulfilled person, I DARE you to love me. Self sabotage was one of
my main tools. If somebody DID happen to love me, well, didn't I make things difficult for them? Shooting
myself in the foot was one of my main talents earlier in my life. Happiness, love, security? Me? HA, not
bloody likely, I don't deserve anything good.
Geeze, if ya stop and think about it I coulda turned my life around on any given day. Don't get any second
chances at childhood though, do we? For some reason I musta needed to experience things exactly as they
happened. Woulda been nice if I had reached these conclusions a really long time ago. I woulda been
such a nicer person. Easier to be around, easier to love. When it comes to self sabotage I have earned
every excellence badge ever on offer.
Still though, I'm not complaining. Well, I'm not complaining ANY MORE. I had such a distorted picture of
myself and everything around me I simply did not see what was right in front of me all the time. From here
I can see things through clearer eyes than the ones I had in those days. To learn to appreciate what
I wasn't able to truly appreciate until now.