American Father's Day went by pretty smoothly for me, mostly cause we have a different Father's Day here, in
September, and I didn't see much in the way of advertising and such. But today, Fourth of July, that's a
hard day for me cause it was always such a big celebration in our family, and with a couple of other families
in the neighbourhood. So I guess this is my first not easy day since my Dad died. I spose if we celebrated
Christmas that woulda been a really tough one, but since we don't this is the first OMG day for missing him.
Fourths and Labour Days we'd have these amazing BBQs...one family did turkey the other did ham. We had every
sorta associated goodie along with it. Those were days when nobody worried about much I don't think. I
mean we were wealthy and so were our neighbours, so there was no expense spared...especially on the back yard
fireworks. I have an amazing collection of those wonderful days inside me somewhere, and today I might pull
some of them up and have a re-run...you know, just acknowledge the day, and my Dad's importance in it. Life
seemed easier then, well, I spose as a spoiled little princess it was easy. My Dad and another neighbour
used to put on the most amazing fireworks displays. Of course those things are all illegal now because
they aren't safe...and believe me there were some pretty scary misfires and mistakes over the years, but
no serious injuries. We'd go down to the end of the street where there were no houses then and set them off in
the street. Folks would come out from around the 'hood' and watch. It was marvelous fun being a kid then.
Just spent the day in the pool, eating great stuff and generally having a wonderful time. We didn't realize
it at the time, but the adults were spicing up their day with alcohol...by the end of the day the party was
At least I HAVE treasured moments to go all nostalgic about. At least we had those years together as a
family...well, we are still a family, but you know what I mean. There was something on the news the other
day about soldiers returning home from Afghanistan and I couldn't help but feel a bit sad for the families
whose men were NOT coming home. So many young families will miss out on having their Dad around when they
grow up...they will miss SO MUCH.
Usually my main focus is to stay in the present now moment. In fact it's such a habit now I sorta do it
automatically. Today I think I'm gonna cut out a little portion of my day to play in the past. To walk
down some really pleasant memory lanes. Touch again that childhood magic. Touch again the magical man
who was my father.
Ya know, from here, where we are now, in our expanded awareness , the past looks all different doesn't it?
When I wasn't a fan of myself I could look back over the past and everything I saw enforced my own miserableness.
Now, though, I can look back with a whole other perspective, and see a totally different picture. What
a difference a widened perspective gives us. When we look for something to reinforce our own negative thoughts
that's what we see when we look at the past. Now though, you can see all that 'other' stuff that you missed
simply because you weren't able to appreciate the love and laughter and joy all around you because you walked
around in a negativity bubble all the time. Well, I'm saying YOU, but I mean ME.
I find it very interesting how the lives we have already lived, up to now, take on such a different tone,
or colour, than they had the first time round. What felt like smothering control as a teenager now looks
like a bit of loving over protection by folks who loved me enough to not only care, but worry. I can
think of a whole buncha things like that. Things that caused me to be a bit of a rebel and non-participant.
Whatta dumb thing to do, tarnish what should have been a magical childhood with my own lack love for myself.
When you don't love yourself you grow these long pointy thorns to keep folks from getting too close. Heck,
they might discover that on the inside you are a miserable mess...can't have that can we?
Well, one thing for sure, if somebody came along with an offer of do over I'd have to say NO really loudly.
I mighta done a better of job of my childhood, but I spose I was working through the last and final bits
of Karma or whatever. I was a child inside my own head most of the time...missed a whole lot that way.
Might be nice to go back and re-experience a childhood without bringing my own self destructive energy
along to spoil it, but NAHHH...would NOT wanna do it again. Not even if I could take my present awareness
back with me.
The past is a kinda nice place to visit now and again. You know, to remind yourself of those precious and
treasured 'good time' moments, but there's nothing...NOTHING...that would make we wanna do it again. Whether
I made it hard for myself unnecessarily or not, it's been a pig of a journey most of the way, and I simply
don't have the energy left to go through it all again.
So I will just reach in there and grab out a few 'memory gems'...you know those precious times that mean
so much, and roll them around in my head for awhile. The Daddy memory gems especially. Strange thing is,
that with our present consciousness and expanded awareness there really isn't mourning for a lost loved
one is there? You're more about celebration of their lives. But sometimes, like Fourth of July, there
is this sense of loss.
I miss you Daddy