From the inside I seek the truth
From the inside I open my soul
From the inside I begin my journey
From inside out I share the love
From inside out I spread the light
From inside out I flap my wings
- Me
Today it’s the time for me to share to you about my journey from the past, about my experiences, about what happened to me, about my growth. I am ready to open up for you all. From the earliest memory till the present I will open the layer one by one, in the hope what I went trough will give courage for one of you. Perhaps you can get lesson from what I got. And perhaps you can help me to read my life. I still wondering. :)
I was born in a beautiful Bali Island. Balinese culture is patriarch, so My Dad is a typical of Balinese man. He hold on to his tradition but still flexible in some way. While my Mother was born in Javanese cultural that treat all children equally no matter boy or a girl. She is a very strong woman. She has her own battle to live in a new culture where people treat woman lower than man. And she is very calm and patient to be able to handle my temperamental Father. Actually they both are more spiritual than other people here that I know, but they’re stuck on this culture and have no way to break free.
FIRST MEMORY
My first childhood memory was when I was 3 years old. That time I lived with my Mom and a nanny in Singaraja, where my Mom worked as a teacher while my Dad lived in Tabanan with the big family. I lived in a boarding room but it was a nice place, near the ocean and has a grape tree at the front yard so I can looked at it anytime from a big window inside the house. The people that lived there were so nice, I remembered there was young policeman and a pretty lady that has a very long beautiful hair. That time I decided my self to have a long hair like her’s when I grow up. That time my Mom was pregnant of my sister. I enjoyed very much my life there. Mom and my nanny like to read me stories.
I went to a free school there, but I didn’t like it very much. I remembered when i ran away from class and play swing at the play ground, the teacher pick me up and asked me to come in the class but I insist stay outside and play … hehehe … it was fun. :D After from school my nanny usually took me to my Mom’s school. The student’s often took me to play at the beach right behind the school … love it very much. And sometime my Mom’s friend took me to their house and read me stories about fairy and others beautiful stories. I also remember when I came to a radio station with my classmate to sing there. All I remember is the cold of the airco inside the recording room. :p Most of it is beautiful memory. But I also remember some traumatic things. My nanny usually took me to school with bicycle, one day got stuck on the wheel and it was hurt so bad. I also remember every time I go to school there was a girl who always sit in front of her house and looking at me with a strange eyes like hatred. And the funny thing, I remember the first time I try to taste a fresh green chilly that burned my mouth.lol
I wonder how can I still remember all that things in detail with all the emotion that I felt.
THE SEEDS
at 4th I moved back to Tabanan after my Mom gave birth my sister. Then she also got a new job in Tabanan. In this time I start questioning my life and started to feel that i don’t belong at the society. I just knew that religion is matter for the people where i lived. I born as a Balinese Hindus, but when I was in Singaraja I went to a Muslim school and they teach me how to pray as their way. And people where I lived in Tabanan bullied me for that. And it hurt’s me so much because I don’t things that a bad thing. What’s wrong with that? that was my question at that time. Since then I was searching and searching.
)I’m lucky that I love to read that i got it from my Mom, so I read and read. At that time I like books with pictures of beautiful creatures and animals like unicorns, dragons, wolf … Still like it till now tough … :) And I was thirsty of any kind of information about religion and spirituality. Since I went to elementary school and got friends from different background I follow them to learn what I want to know. I went to a Sunday school for my Buddhist friends. I like all the stories about Siddhartha Gautama (http://buddhism.about.com/od/lifeofthebuddha/a/buddhalife.htm). I learn a little bit about Muslim since my mom was one. I start to explore my self, I joined many kind of activities like singing, drum band, dancing … just to keep my self busy I guest. I like to spent my weekend to see the natures, I was bike around to see the rice fields, I went to a forest behind my uncle’s house, to the river, I like to pretended that i was on my journey to a magical world, talked to trees, to fairies … so much fun. :) The things that I didn’t fit in was the case system in Bali ( http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Balinese_caste_system) and how people treat others with a different religions. The bad thing that I remember was I was hit by a hose and a broom several times and I don’t remember why. And I don’t think I made a mistake that made me deserve to be hit that way. This past trauma still in me until I released it a few years latter. I found out that he used me to release his anger and he admitted it and confessed to me right before the day I get married. I will tell you more at the right stage.
UGLY DUCKLING
I started to went to high school and got new weird things on my life. My Dad is a true Balinese that love to learn about spiritual stuff but He often got bored so he begin again and quit and start again and quit … all the time until now. But again I’m lucky because of that I attracted so much on the spiritual things. I read most of his books, I asked so many things that I wanted to know, he teach me how to meditate, how to draw my energy and use it to do the cleansing, he was also healed people like I do now. But in the other side I scared to him, at this time he get angry so easily. And when he got angry he was so scary, I always ran out of house of hid somewhere so he can’t find me and release his anger to me.
I still did so many things like I had so much energy, I join on almost all kind of clubs at school. At this point as a teenage some boys start to hit on me but the weird thing is, once I knew they like me I started to avoided them, even if I didn’t want to do that but I keep took a distance with boys. But most of my close friend were boys … now I figure it out that I’m a free soul since the beginning and my unconsciousness didn’t want to be tied to any kind of things that might hold my steps. My soul was still want to be free to search and didn’t want me to change yet.
My emotion started to be unstable. I felt insecure, uncomfortable, scare, no self confident sometimes, even until I cried only because of a small question from a teacher or a senior. I was afraid to walk in to teacher’s office. I was afraid to faced many people. If there was something wrong around me I will blame my self for that. I got a psychosomatic attack every time I got nervous. I got a bad stomachache every time there was a test at school, every time I had to stand in front of many people, every time I had to answer a question from teachers or seniors. I was always feel that I don’t fit around people. I only felt comfortable and happy when I was alone or play in the nature. I was using most of my time drawing and writing stories, even at the classroom I felt relax when I’m drowned on my own world.
I realized that is not right, something wrong with me, so I pushed my self to involve to any kind of activities that made me appear on public. I push my self to get my confidence. I was dance and sing on stage, I was active on red cross and boyscout, I was join a youth communities in my town. And it worked … even if I don’t like to be in public but I start to change.
I also started to feel uncomfortable with my body. I started to got a headache, neck pain, back pain, chest pain, pain on my joints and many others. It keep coming since then, I can’t get any cure. And you know village people like I was didn’t see a doctor for this kind of ill, we only use herbal. I think at this point my chakra start to open and my body start to change and prepare for my awakening process. I also start to listened to my friend’s problems and be their place to share. I start to learn how to read palm.
I’m the first child of 3 sisters and my Mom was over protected me. I spent most of my time at home ow wandering around with my bicycle alone. I only allowed to go out with friends that my Mom already knew. So I often asked my good friends to come over to my house so My Mom knows them and will let me go out with them. And I was not allowed to go out at night, my outing time was until 7 or at least 8 pm. I only went out to the beach, park, mountain, social event, friend’s birthday party, nothing else.
That made me want to feel a free life, want to feel lives outside my cage.
I grew to a quiet girl so introvert, I never talked about my feelings and my problem to anyone, not even my parents. So many things that made me scare, I was afraid to ask for anything to my parents. That’s made my throat chakra was so difficult to cleans.
After i graduated I made my first turn and it change my whole life …
But I will tell you tomorrow … :)
Enough for today.
With love
http://inapendit.wordpress.com/2012/10/20/growth/