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DEEPLY AWAKE – ANYMORE

I have to admit I have msnbc on in the background, crowing about how good things are today, grousing about how terrible some things are, mentioning what the White House staff are going to be enjoying in their soup bowls a few hours from now.

But I feel divorced from it, certainly not as plugged into the drama and the intricacies. That used to be what I turned on very first thing, and I watched at least three hours of news a night. But those were my history days, when I was reading biography after biography, history book after history book.

It's different now, and driving home from taking Sam to school, contemplating the 36 hours of alone time I now have to enjoy, I found myself thinking about my instructions this morning upon awakening.

Anymore, it's not dreamscapes I bring back from sleep with me, it's instructions. Sometimes only one word, sometimes two.

My awareness today: The outside matching the inside. That's it. But those words are merely symbols for an entire experience I had while dreaming, I can just feel it!

This is loosely related to an unusual meditation I had on Sunday, or on Saturday night. I have been easily taken away lately, just need to lay my head back and the experiences come. I did so on while sitting in my recliner, and I could feel a start in me, which has been coming into clearer and clearer focus lately, burst through me. Then I sensed the same sort of star outside of me. The two merged.

I heard, ”My will. Your will. Our will.”

Things have been different since then.

And now, this morning... the outside matching the inside. How many movies, books, plays and internet sensations have swept through us, with that central theme pulsing into and through the words and colors? Let your outside match the inside, let your freak flag fly, let the REAL YOU come out to play.

And now, anymore, I don't think I have a choice, really. I mean, it's somehow easier to find my way now, ignoring the brambles, no longer caught up in curiosity as to what lies below, in the shadows, off the well lighted path. No longer caught up in what anyone else thinks of me, no longer telling myself bad things, no longer thinking bad thoughts.

And so, driving home, thinking about my financial situation, my two plugged up toilets, my dirty clothes, my big, complicated, gross mess, it's just no big deal. And it is nothing I wish to delay further, attacking, cleaning up this mess.

Is there something that you know, and every single person around you, knows you should be doing, and yet, for whatever reason, you do not, you just don't seem able to. You let it ride? And maybe it's something huge, something catastrophic, some can that you know the worms are packed into so solidly, so perfectly, that the minute you open it up, it's going to be worm-chaos around here?

Same here.

Counter intuitive, something I carry shame about. Big things that I have let go. I have discussed it before, and I do think it was me just going large with the fuck-you-my-hands-are-off-the-wheel-now-let's-just-see-how-far-I-can-push-this-irresponsibility-thing sort of attitude.

But still, in all these months of consolidation and work and study, all these days and nights of doing what feels right even if no one else understands, well, it led to a horribly messy house, so disorganized and neglected.

And today, the message reads: Let the outside match the inside.

Not at first, of course, but over time.

As I let our elevator glide me up to our floor, after my drive, I looked down at my red and black windbreaker. It's a Men's 3X, and I bought it several years ago. I didn't wear it for a long time, because it was so skin tight, I found it embarrassing.

Now it hangs off of me, much like my chin and arm skin.

I slipped the key in the lock, and I thought about my body.

The inside now better matches the outside. I don't feel that awful spike of shame every time someone comes into view, and I don't secretly worry about everyone hating me because I am so fat. That nonsense has settled down. I have settled down.

I did the impossible, melted 100 pounds off a 5'3” frame with no real effort. The only effort I exerted was that by which I honored and obeyed the new changes, was happy to oblige my body's requests, was open to doing things a new way.

If I can do that with this now little body, I can do it with my housekeeping.

This is not an insolvable problem.

And the only thing I have done wrong, or could have done better, is to not believe all the haters in my head who were always so willing to chime in as to how bad I am doing this life, I just should have told them all to shut the eff down and stay still. It's just not time yet. Back off and shut it.

That's what I could have done differently, and that's what I intend to do anymore.

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