What's up with this energy? Or is this just happening to me? I'm definitely NOT OK. I've been very studiously
and with great pleasure, shooting myself in the foot with great regularity. It has crossed my mind that I've developed
an acute case of OCD. I find myself doing things even when I don't want to do them, and KNOW I don't want to do them,
and yet just keep right on doing them anyway. Dunno what's up with this, but self control seems outta the question
at the moment. Thank goodness I've scarfed every single bite of food that contained sugar in just about any form. At
least I know myself well enough to know I'm NOT gonna go to town to restock...so I'm safe from myself...for the moment.
Brain fog. That's what I've developed. This really thick pea soup sorta brain fog, and it appears to be a fog with
a mind of its own. A sorta destructive kinda mind. Undermining rather than destructive I spose. It's like everything
that's good for me has suddenly lost all appeal Eat, read, sleep. That's about all that's on my current to do list.
Anything else seems like entirely too much trouble. It almost feels like I've retired from 3/4D reality and I'm over
here quietly fighting out this last battle for OKness or something. I don't feel like I'm winning. At least right at
Every day I start with good intentions. I really do. No coffee today. No sugar. Get something accomplished, you
will feel better. Dunno what's up in the intention department. It's like they are all asleep on the job or something.
I KNOW what to do to make my physical body feel better...but I don't DO IT! WHAT is up with that? In the amount of
time it takes me to get to the kitchen and turn on the kettle for a cuppa all my good intent goes right down the drain
and I end up with another bucket of sugary coffee. Folks talk alot about Mercury being in retrograde, I think I'M
in retrograde. Going backward. Falling in a heap. Lost in my own self sabotage. FREE will? Heck, I don't actually
feel like I have ANY will.
I don't think I've been turned into a borg. I think I've just lost the plot...temporarily I hope. It's like I got
too close to the edge of something and fell off into it. Bad choices. Self destructive habits. Total lack of reason
and good sense. It's me and myself in here, battling it out, and the 'good self' seems to be on the losing end of
things. Or I spose I could have it all wrong.
I mean, it IS almost the BIG DATE of 21 December. Maybe body is just gobbling up all the 'no no' stuff while it's
still on offer. I mean maybe something big IS gonna happen and alla that yummy 'bad stuff' is going to just get
'removed' from the game, and I'm busily 'getting it while I can' or something. Maybe the physical body has been
let in on the secret and it's going about enjoying all the stuff it knows isn't best for it before the 'supply
runs out'. Maybe I'm looking at this from the wrong perspective entirely. Just enjoy my little pig out sessions
while I can and stop arguing with myself. I mean, yeah, it's not what's best for my whole body, but my mouth
is most surely having the BEST time. Hmmmm...how many times did my Mom tell me my mouth was gonna get me in
trouble one day? I kinda doubt this is exactly what she had in mind...but there ya go.
To be a little more serious about it, today is the first anniversary of my Dad's death. The headaches have also
returned. This could just be a case of 'poor me syndrome' and I'm eating stuff to avoid having the feelings that
would come along with those. I dunno. I thought I was 'beyond' that sorta behaviour, but take a look at what I'm
doing...maybe I'm not beyond anything. Maybe on some levels all those 'protections' I thought I had cleared and
released long ago are sorta trying to 'get back on board' or something. Ego...is that YOU in there causing all this
mess? I thought we had a deal.
Probably. Good ole ego. Making a last ditch effort to take over the show. Heck, if that is what's been happening,
well, ego is ahead in points scored. Don't bother ego. Yeah, I'm disappointed that the headaches are back, but
I'm not gonna make it worse by undermining my own physical health. Well...starting right now anyway. And, yes,
it's sad to celebrate today's anniversary, but alla that's been sorted and dealt with. We REALLY don't need to
revert to these old 'self preservation' games. Honest we don't. We will be just fine. Relax in there.
Not really all that interested in facing off with ego at the moment. Don't have the energy, the desire or the
inclination. Might have to send ego back into exile if it doesn't get with the program around here. I don't
actually wanna see me and ego out there in OK Corral, facing off, ready to do each other in. How about a nice
compromise? No...that wasn't exactly what I had in mind...compromise has a co in it, we both get to win a bit.
How about we agree to go to the negotiating table? Turn the matter over? Call in the experts, let them decide.
Cop out? Ya reckon? Yeah, probably is, but at least it's a positive intention. That might have to do me for
now. I'm not finding the 'right stuff' in there to do battle with by myself. Let someone else decide. Assign the
matter to the justice department.
Excuse me, I gotta go get another bucket of sugary coffee. I guess I can enjoy my 'bad stuff' until the decision
is 'handed down' right?
Am I good at this foot shooting business...or WHAT?