I am in Transition

I wanted to say I am happy to have found this site. Despite how many people you know, one can get lonely when following a spiritual path or deviating from the norm in any respect. I feel like I have to dumb myself down a lot for people lest they think I am crazy or something. I have never been one to really care what others think but, having children, I feel like it's better not have them be the kids with the "flaky mom," so I am happy I found a virtual space to be myself! :)

I have a lot to say but not much time to write and it seems I am never uninterupted but that's okay. I love being a mother.

I am going through something (again). My symptoms match a lot of those that people say are ascention symptoms. I've gone through this before so you'd think I'd be used to it by now but it still throws me for a loop and seems to get more intense every time. I'm having a weird headache, for a couple of weeks now, where it feels like my brain is moving around inside my skull. When I turn my head it feels like my brain turns slower and it takes time for my perception to catch up to my body...or perhaps the opposite is true..in any event they are not in synch.

But my ego says... I have a brain tumor.

I am working hard to get rid of old beliefs. The ones that are so deeply embedded, probably from lifetimes even before this one, and they have been reiinforced so many times that they are almost impossible to even see, let alone get rid of. I am trying to change my reality.

But my ego says.... if you leave this reality you will leave your children here alone.

I see things out of the corner of my eye, get dizzy, have anxiety attacks. This has happened before. My ego or part of it is dying and it is fighting for its life and at times my consciousness is in this part of the ego and I experience great fear.

My ego says...you're going to die, you're losing your mind.

I am looking at things as if for the first time. Is that a lampshade or a funny hat? It's a fresh perspective. But my current surroundings seem dusty and drab. Normally I clean, clean, clean but for the past week or so I have no desire to shine things up. I just want out of here.

My ego says..you're being lazy. If you don't do your work someting bad will happen.

I am suddenly experiencing a need for quiet and solitude.

My ego says you are being a bitch.

I tell myself it's okay, let go, go with the flow. Things are changing as they should and you are growing, ascending even.

But my ego says I am not good enough to move forward.

And so that is the struggle I am dealing with right now. I feel like I should not have to struggle with myself and I wonder why every time I advance higher at the same time another part of me drops down. I suppose it is the nature of this world, duality even within.

And so for a Mother's Day gift for myself I am taking the children tonight and visiing family until Sunday. I need a change of scenery and help with the kids and to be out of this same routine of making dinner, doing dishes, laundry, bleh! I need some time to breathe and experience what I am going through fully.

Everyone's blogs are so helpful on this site and I am so glad I found it. That being said, I feel like I shouldn't even contribute as it seems like this writing is more like a cry for help than a helping hand! It's not though, I know I will be okay and I am only in transition. I know my fears are unfounded but I am expereincing them anyway. I'm just trying to sit with them until they pass. After I get through this, I may have something useful to say!