Like Vomit

It's like vomit.

I didn't even know all this was inside me. It layed dormant for so long and now, because I am growing and changing, I need to let it go. And so I throw it up and out. But on its way out...ouch.

I didn't even realize that I automatically expect to be judged by everyone and that I feel so ashamed of myself. This place here with all of you has shown me this because you are truly kind and accepting. I braced to receive an attack and it never came and so then I realized I was braced, always braced.

Up and out with it.

I didn't realize that I believed that I had to worry myself into sickness in order to show love. Or that I thought if I didn't worry something bad would happen.

Up and out with it.

I didn't realize that now even still I don't think I deserve real love.

Up and out with it.

On that day when I became awake, that day that is eternal, the first word that came to me was ACCEPTANCE. I saw the word float by me in front of my eyes and I felt peace and true love for the first time. I was clean and whole and no-thing mattered. I wonder how I became broken again...

Acceptance is not a a word it is a state of being,something unto itself. Before there was the word it still was. Love and acceptance are more alive than I am. Love and acceptance are beyond words.

I can go back to that place and that time when unconditional acceptance existed within me. It is still here.

I expel the rest.

Like vomit.

The visit home felt safe. Like a woodland animal retreating to its den until winter passes, I hibernated.

Visits home reveal patterns not seen before. Will there ever not be more and more?
Each time I rise above and pass some by, more become clear before my eyes.

The frantic need to rush, the feeling that we have to stress ourselves in order to accomplish things, the feeling that life is a struggle, self sacrifice in the name of love- which send the message that there is not enough to go around, playing victim, unspoken tensions, manipulations, put downs. It's all so clear now.
And I thought I had already dealt with all that but it's yet another layer to the onion, the smelly onion that makes my eyes tear. Fitting...

So now I am throwing it all up and out. But as it comes to the surface it isn't pretty.

I am very grateful for this sacred place of love and light. I am thankful for the spiritual support.

I literally feel like I am shedding my skin. I feel lighter. Life is wonderful, even when it isn't. I love the lessons. The "Ah Ha!" moments make it all worthwhile.