Uncle

Well, I don't know. I have thrown my hands up in frustration, cried til I felt like dying, berated myself beyond recognition, begged for help, begged for help accepting help, you name it. I have dealt with so many of my life's issues right here in front of my computer. Now, I am just giving up and accepting that I can not do what I have set out to do. It seems like a constant theme these days. I just haven't been able to finish any projects that I have started and the financial crunch is on.

I left my job of 11 years in November. It was making me sick, not to mention bitter and resentful. It was a small office and my best friend of 10 years turned on me. She and others in the office did everything to isolate me, and made sure I knew I was not wanted. As an investigator, it really sucked to be frozen out, but it did not make the actual work I did hard because people like me and were always willing to talk with me. The fact was that I was dependant on the lawyers to give me work. Consequently, I got very little investigation requests.

I loved being an investigator, and I loved the fact that I worked to help represent people who had been charged with crimes and did not have the financial means to afford legal representation. I believed that the system was against those folks and they deserved representation. When it got to the point that I was having to defend the clients to their lawyers, I began to get frustrated, and I was vocal about it.

Initially, I decided that I would not allow myself to be forced out, and I would learn to love my isolation. It was nasty, and it permeated that whole office. I did the best I could to smile and get through it. I plead my case to my superior and got no support. After 5 months of sucking it up, I gave one month's notice. I left believing that I would live off my $10,000.00 retirement money and get an herbal business going.

Then in January my son (9), who is such a mild mannered, sweet, smart, loving and gentle spirit said he could no longer stand the way the kids at his school treated him. We were paying quite a sum of money to send him there. He was in a private school because of the experience I had with my oldest son in the public school system. I just never could quite grasp the mind control that I felt existed. I felt like they wanted nothing but to create people who would just function mindlessly in chaos. My oldest son quit school when he turned 16, pretty much with my blessing.

So, again I said yes. I am a stay at home mom why not homeschool my son! I knew I could, and this has been best part of everything. Home schooling has brought our family so much closer.

Then the money began to dwindle. My payments all together are about $1,200.00 per month.

I got this invitation to a free dinner if I was willing to listen to the marketing spiel. Honestly, my partner and I rarely do anything together so I said, hey it's a free dinner and it will be more of a date than we have had in a long time. The spiel was about the financial potential creating web sites through this particular company. I wasn't particularly interested, but my partner suggested that even if it brought in one-thousand dollars a month it might be worth going to the following seminar they were offering, and it would only cost $25.00 to attend. I began to see where he was going, as it would provide an income with which I could pay my bills and be a home schooling, herbalist, stay at home mom.

As the time for the seminar drew closer I began consulting my guidance and everything seemed to indicate it was a positive move, right down to the colors I saw when I closed my eyes. So, I bought in. My credit was impecable at the time.

My checking account is empty, and they are looking to start taking out the $285.00 per month that it cost. My partner is willing to pay it, but I can no longer work on it as there are so many blockages to confront everytime I sit here at try to figure it all out. I was always somewhat of a self proffessed Ludite, but I was willing to change if it meant being able to stay home and home school our son. He cannot afford to pay my bills for any length of time, and I would not ask him to.

Man have I had challenges just learning how to operate my computer. I have worked really hard at learning my lessons and being thankful, thinking that something was going to click for me. Well, it hasn't, so I simply give up. I am not feeling particularly bitter about it, but it will suck if I have to go the bancruptcy route. At this point, I just don't know.

That's part of who and where I am. Thanks for listening.