Ok... so as I sort of figure this stuff out....

Bear with me... Most of the time, I test things.. over and over. Not sure if it is because I don't feel like it is really happening, I am a natural born skeptic, or what.As Amanda can attest to, I have been having panic attacks that are driving me crazy - probably driving her crazy too at this point. I feel like I haven't been connecting, yet at the same time "blessed" not really sure what that means. I am typically pretty laid back.. I can't take huge stressors in my life. Kind of funny, because my normally "lacking in urgency" 18 year old actually has stepped up to the plate a couple of times lately here and in the past, I could literally light a fire cracker under her rear and that still would not get a reaction. So, my whole thing boils down to living correctly, inherently doing the right thing, regardless of effort, time, expense... I just have always known when I need to do things. So, usually when I ignore things someone else wants or needs me to do, I am ok with not doing it. So, all day, I am having a panic attack, hard to breathe, feel like my heart is going to come out of my chest and i am trying to decide if it is ego, or not, and if it isn't - why am I feeling so crappy???

Let me side track to the whole sex thing... I really don't believe we are intended to be celibate. Nor do I think we are intended to Procreate like rabbits, but I do think that at certain times, we just need to procreate. I mean, come on, I like/love sex.. who doesn't??? And I am sorry if this offends.. but if I have to wait around until the "one" comes in to my life, I am not going to continue to make myself feel better by artificial means, if you get my drift. I am soooo ready for the one even if it is the one for the moment to come into my life. I love interacting with people, on any level.

So, this afternoon, after I have completely Mind-F&^**Ced things and panicked I received 2 phone calls. One from a buddy who has been trying to get me to go out with him for the last 9 months... who lies continuously and thinks that regardless of how he lives his life, if he goes to church every sunday and confessess that all is good. So, someone told his boss he had dope in his car. And he calls me up to complain about it... I mean seriously... I don't really care about what you smoke, drink, inhale, whatever.. it's all good, but if it goes against the "rule" i.e. your work, whatever, then you probably shouldn't do it. If you aren't prepared to admit it out loud, then maybe not so good. So that was one phone call.

The next was from my ex, who I love with all my heart... he is my children's father after all... and inherently, he does the right thing, even if he is a bit deluded at times...but in the end, I know he would do the right thing, so he is having all of this trouble with getting deals done, and I am thinking, ok so what the heck is going on... so, anyhow... all this stuff is swirling around and I am sooo tired of thinkng about it.

I take care of the animals and children that come across my path, I listen to people and I mean really listen. I recycle. I always do the right thing, even when I don't feel like it. I love supporting people who do their art, what ever path that may be.

So, to get to my point, I know... forever and an f'ing day, eh? I really do know all is right with the world.. sometimes, I guess I just get tired of it not being on the timeframe I think it should be in. We have all been there... It has just been such a long path. I feel like an entire lifetime or many lifetimes. I don't know. But God, come on... I am ready I have done a lot of work and no, I don't think I deserve anything, but could ya throw me a bone??? A bit of levity there. Love you all... K