Boundaries

So, I just wrote a long, emotional, enlightening (to me) blog and as I was re-reading it, it suddenly disappeared. Wow.

Maybe all that was not meant for all to see. I was uncovering painful things as I wrote...

But anyway, I still want to say some things.

My last two blogs were validated by Karen's latest energy alert. I found comfort in not being the only one. I felt like she had to have been spying on me!
Latest Alert

A lot of the energy alert had to do with boundaries. Being an empath I felt like I was born with no boundaries. Then I would not know where I started and someone else began. Later I built a fortress around myself and let nobody in. I've struggled for a happy medium every since. There are many friends I left without ever saying goodbye and for that I am very sorry.

My husband asks me why I have stopped talking to certain people and I don't know how to explain that their energy was damaging to me or that they were getting too close to the sore spots.

I checked a forum posting I made the other day about a pain I have been having in my leg and a wonderful lightworker responded to me, a real lifesaver. She said it was my femur nerve and, more importantly, the solar plexus chakra. I decided to refresh myself on this chakra and lookup some yoga poses and lo and behold I find myself reading again about boundaries.
Solar Plexus Chakra

Sweet Synchronicity Batman!

Lately, I have been letting more people in. Aquaintances have become friends. Friends are moving to the next level. I have been reconnecting with old friends. For a long time I was holding everyone at bay other than my children, mother, and one sister. But they instinctedly know how far to go and when to stop. They are safe.

Still, people in small doses (other than my kids and husband). After a couple of days of socializing I need to retreat. It's just too much. I need to clear out.

I can see my four year old daughter starting to be the same way. She wasn't before but now she seems to get overstimulated by too many unfamiliar energies. She freaks out- cries and tantrums. She gets jealous, wants what everyone else has, she gets upset, tired and hyper all at once. It's just too much. I wonder how to help her since I still don't know what to do.

My husband wanted to talk tonight. That never happens. He was speaking from a place of love and truth. I had never seen this side of him before.

Nothing was really said that has not been said (or yelled) before but it felt different. Something was released.

I found myself wanting the conversation to end. I cried like a little girl shying away and hiding her face. Sometimes I could not find the words to say (that never happens). I don't want to face things. Please stay away from my sore spots. I'll do or say what you want if you'll just stop please.

Just now water has begun leaking through my ceiling from the bathroom upstairs. My husband and I have had a leaky shower up there since we have moved in. My father who is a plumber has been supposed to fix this for me for a couple of years. Finally, he fixed it last week. But it began to leak worse. Then he fixed it again but my mother spent the night and when she turned the shower on she was unable to turn it off. It just kept running. My father came over and fixed it again this morning. He did not have the right parts to fix it but he installed a shut off which has resulted in a build up of water that eventually came through my ceiling. How symbolic is all of that?????

Holy Crap Batman.

Woke the hubby up about the water. He shut it off in the basement for now but told me to call my dad tomorrow to fix it correctly.

Holy freakin crap.

After the conversation with the husband I took a half a pain pill for "my leg".

Even though we are still together I left my husband some time ago. He left me too. I don't know who left first. It really doesn't matter.

I shy away from his embrace. He blocks out my attemtps to connect intellectually and emotionally. I see things from a spiritual perspective. But that is a sore spot for him. Can't go there too much. He does not want to see. When someone does not want to see I do not force them and I want in return the same respect.

Stand back.

If the shields keep out the pain they keep out the love as well. So, maybe when he says he love sme it is true and I don't feel it because I block it.

I find it hard to say or think that he loves me. That anyone loves me. Even my daughter. I feel sorry for her. I feel like she loves me because she doesn't know any better. I feel so undeserving.

I did not know I felt this way until now. It is just coming out as I write this. The cork popped, the floodgates opened, the small drip sprung a major leak- thanks mom and dad.

It is what it is.

I have to give. Even though it is hard. I have to give of myself. Or maybe giving is not the problem as much as it is taking of another.

I have a lot to do. We had a small party on Saturday and the place is a mess. I have much work to do in so many different mundane areas. But I think I may just lay around. Let the dust settle.