Personal Release

I am feeling better now. Wrote this earlier today. Still felt compelled to share it because it is what it is, all part of my process.

So when you let the negativity go too far, how do you get the light back? Do you reach a point where there is no turning back? Do you have to just reset the whole process again?

Two days ago, I was singng the songs of Heaven. I saw the new world. I was right on the edge of it. I was basking in golden light. I was shining like a cosmic being, celestial, vibrant. I was in the now. I cried tears of joy. I knew God, held hands with Christ, swam through the energies of all living beings. I had nothing but love. I was clear and pure and whole.

Just two days ago.

Then what happened? I did yoga, maybe I screwed it up? Started getting my period for the first time since I had the baby. Got angry. Gave into it. It felt bad/ good to just yell and scream and be angry. Roll around in the shit and squeal like a pig.

The baby feels all as I have said. He is an empath like me. He shrieked for two full days. No more than 5 or 10 minutes of sleep at a time. I had good works I wanted to do, donations, volunteering, writing the good news I had been absorbing, teaching my daughter to read. But he would not stop screaming and I felt worn out and angry and could not even think...

Could not even think.

Dizzy, out of sorts, grunting and moaning like a cave woman from yesteryear brow beating my husband and laying down to take my licks. Reciting backwards and manifesting everything to be so bad and without hope. I am so good at manifesting this instantly- so many years of practice. I undid everything I had just done. I recreated all that isn't and I had just cleared all of it out and started anew. Like my husband when we cleaned up the basement to perfection and he threw a party in it that same night and put the mess right back in.

What the fuck? (sorry)

Finally the flow begins and things seem to return to somewhat neutral ground. Baby quiets down. I have a moment or two to think again. But I stil catch myself making monkey sounds. My leg is useless now. I did too much, would not stay off of it, and now I am sort of stuck or in great pain.

So where do I go from here?

Even though I am not there anymore maybe I can work with my notes and write it out anyway and then maybe I will be there again. I have to meditiate, just be in the now, just do it and not dwell on screwing up.

Ick but there is this ball of muck inside my chest that I can't seem to scream out. I had just gotten rid of it. Greenish brown icky shit muck. Negative. Fake. I made it from nothing. It creeps up my throat but won't leave. Sticks to old wounds I think.

As usual writing helps and heals.

Now to just find the time... and to stop being angry at my husband for not helping. Why am I creating this? Why am I not loving him like I should? Why am I mad? Why do I feel so entitled and victimized and misunderstood? Such a familiar (family-ar) path walked by so very many of my mothers before me. All the ones I have known walked this way, some much better than others. With each new generation they became more brave and more bitter about it until finally we have begun to clear a new path, but it is difficult not to go back to the old one, the safe one, the one we have all been down so many times before. It might be filthy and painful but it is ours.

Every time someone moved into a new house my grandmother would scrub it clean and she'd say if your house gets filthy later at least you know it's your own dirt and not somebody else's.

I release this now. This ball of green brown dirt filth in my chest and throat. I release it and set it free into the universe to be cleaned and purified and disposed of. Be gone!!!!!!!!!

I RELEASE THE ANGER

I RELEASE THE ROLE OF VICTIM

BE GONE BE GONE BE GONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!