Weird weird day...

I wrote two blogs today on my space... this one being the most significant, so I'll start here... thank you for reading and allowing me to just get this out of my chest.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008
Weird weird day...
Current mood: miserable
Category: Life

Ok, I feel I am in the twilight zone... a fucked up one, too...

I have an account on facebook... and, I decided to look out for the love of my life number one. He was my sun. We were 17 when we met. I had no sense of self-esteem, so I did what I, still, at my almost 29 years of age, do. And that is driving him away.

I drove him away. I was so in love with him (I still recall when we met, and the courage I gathered to talk to him) that I was afraid he'd leave me (ha, so fucking hilarious hahaha because I never really let him get close to me). So I did what was the sensical thing to do... drive him away.

I am remembering now so so many things! I was so immature... and I pushed him away. So he started a relationship with another girl because I was such a chicken to show him my true feelings... he brought her huge gifts, just to make me mad (which, of course, instead, brought me down). They kicked him out of school... then this girl had a tip that she might be kidnapped (family was ultra-rich), so they got married and moved to the US... when we were 19.

I had 3 courses pending to graduate (yeah, math and physics so darn funny, no? Me, the scientist that wants to do her Masters in Earth Sciences), so I changed to another campus... and there I meet this guy... and he asks me, hey, do you know this person? And I thought, yeah, he's the love of my life... but I said, yeah, we were together in many classes... and he says he was his best friend before going to High School...

We were supposed to meet sometime later... but he never came... I was going to come clean with him... but it was too late...

And now I find him... married to another girl (so I have no idea what happened to him all these years), and guess what? The girl looks like me...

I hope he is happy. I just sent him a message, and after, what, 11 years, came clean with him. I told him I was so in love with him, but my self-esteem was so low that I pushed him away, and apologized about my behavior.

I got it off my chest after all these years. I don't know how he will react... or if he'll even remember all those things we did together... or if he'll remember me!!! But... at least I came clean. I think that was the last big secret that I had to get rid of with someone...

I am thinking right now about what a stupid idiot I was (and seem to still be). I am feeling right now that if they ask me right now what moment in life would you change, it would be related to him. I would tell him back then. I would give him the most intense kiss anyone would have given him to that day.

And perhaps, today, we would be happily married and with children, living in Montreal...

There is such a great story behind him, he really has no clue. It was because of him that I chose to move to Montreal, and decided to work for the Canadiens (he was a super fan), and got myself a german boyfriend. He was the theme of my young adulthood. No one really knows that... except all of you now, of course...

And all because I did not have the guts to tell him that I loved him.

But who knows... maybe I chickened out for a good reason... and we both are in the place where we're meant to be...

And I wish him all the joy that I haven't been able to grasp.

I have no words to describe what I am feeling right now.

I don't know why all the "what if's" are hurting me so much now. I guess I kinda feel like I've wasted my time royally in the wrong moods and people.

And maybe, what is hurting me so much, is that I still keep messing up.

What I do know is that I am worthy of love. And I gotta stop allowing people hurting me. I gotta start believing this, how special I really am. Because as long as I keep believing I need to be a love pauper, I'll be treated like garbage.

And that just ain't me.

I guess my advice to you dear reader would be... tell her, tell him if you love him/her. The worst that can happen is that they will send you to hell.

But only tell them if you know in your gut (like I did back then) that they are worthy of your love. If you know you deserve better, forgive, forget and move on.

Just don't stay with the doubt... and if you get a no, don't worry... a no will only bring you closer to the yes.

Love in the shape of a teenager's regret,

Aida.