Yikes! My New Tatt Is Chasing Me! (from my personal blog)

Nowhere to Run, Nowhere to Hide

When I first started this blog, I shared that I was not going to use it as my "journal" but as Alanis Morissette said in the video I posted with "Forgetting to Breathe Again" there are times I just have to get feelings "out of my body."

Long story over...I am going back and forth from regretting my tattoo to loving it. Almost in a panic about it today I did what I do best-grabbed my pen and paper and allowed myself to feel:

So why am I regretting my tattoo one minute and loving it the next? Am I insane? At times I freak out and think, "What the hell have I done, and minutes later I am so happy and proud to have done it. I realized it may be more of a "healing tool" than I could have ever imagined.

I asked myself why it scares me and the answer was because it's "Me" staring right back at me! I can no longer run from myself. I can no longer hide. "She" is right there saying, "I am here and I am not going away. No amount of shoving is going to make me disappear." Then after she scares the hell out of me with that she adds, "And I love you." I then kiss it with a smile.

Wow! In just that brief writing it all made sense. What I thought would be a wonderful tool to "remind me to breathe" is instead for now, a reminder of how afraid I am to breathe and of Me. I constantly shove emotions and feelings as well as do not breathe deep enough. With breathing comes feeling so I guess I learned that one way back in childhood.

Without knowing it I have forced myself to face my biggest fears now. Not tomorrow, not with the next therapist or healing art or psychic, but now. Since I have not yet mastered my breath it is scary to see it staring at me daily now.

My Higher Self, the part that knows me and All better than I know myself right now, has reassured me that "it's all good." Gonna be rough, yes, but when I get to the other side of this fear, as I have of many this lifetime, I will be grateful for every minute I was forced to look deeply into my own eyes and soul.

I realized the minute I thought, "I can just put a band aid on it during moments of fear" that that is EXACTLY why this tattoo/experience has come into my life. I have put "band aids" on everything all of my life and each time I lifted them the thing I tried to cover is not only still there, but fresh as the day I covered and hid it from myself.

Yes, this is gonna be a hard one, but I know that subconsciously, somewhere, on another "plain" I knew exactly what I was doing. It is time. Time I face Myself and learn to love her just as she is...they way I love everyone else.

I've wanted a tattoo for over 25 years now, so I know deep down, beyond the fear of Myself, that I don't regret it. I also know that 25 years ago I could not face the things I have since then. Timing is everything...and the time is Now.