What those in our lives have to teach us and how that frees us- a personal story

So, an unexpected 'intervention' from a beautiful friend who read my last blog spurred a whole bunch of blockage removal today.

I looked at my marriage, my past relationships, and my childhood to try to figure out what all those things together in my life were there to teach me. I realized that after looking at many things that I have had a need to 'do' things, 'fix' things, or 'rescue' people in order to feel my own worth. I started out trying to do it to win over my parents when my sister and brother were born when I was four. I didn't do it for attention and recognition as much as I did it to prove my worth. I was the center of attention until my sister and brother were born (twins) in which case I needed to move over Grover in a big way!  It was ok to be different and who I was when it was just me, but when my siblings entered the picture and eventually grew up to be much more like my parents than me, instead of chosing to love myself, I chose to 'perform' even more.  ---Lesson number one.

Now at four years old, I certainly didn't understand why my siblings needed so much more attention and why my parents were exhausted after caring for them.   I only knew I was the big sister and I would gain repsect and worth from my parents by caring for my siblings, rescuing them, or fixing them. Not that my parents didn't love me still and show me that in any way they could, but the whole situation was there to teach me that I needed to be ok just being me, and that I needed to love myself for that. I now believe that I was born into this life needing to learn a lesson about self love and worth just for existing, rather than for what I do or achieve. So thanks Mom and Dad, sis and bro, for playing your part in my lesson.

But , I guess at four  years I was no good at learning lessons yet, so alas, it took me almost 30 years to figure this one out. :) In the meantime, I  apparently adopted a whole lifetime of 'doing,' 'achieving,' 'fixing,' and 'rescuing' to try to gain respect for from others, but mostly to gain respect for myself. It's strange because I always thought I had a lot of self-confidence, which I guess just made it all the easier to turn into a: leader, fixer,  and do-er.  I thought it was just me acting from a place of confidence and leadership-- and maybe it was, but maybe it was also a show I put on for myself, in order to love myself because I didn't seem to fit in anywhere otherwise.

I had no idea I didn't love myself just for being me, or that I was quite different than everyone around me.  Apparently, in order for a person with a different personality than most people to fit in, I decided to do it through 'achieving' things which was easy for me because I had the natural confidence to do it. 

So I did 'fit in' for most of my life, or so I thought.  It's funny, I didn't even realize how differently I thought than most of the general public until one day years ago my husband said to me, "You do know that pretty much no one else thinks like you, right?"  Huh?   No,  I guess I didn't. 

And I also didn't realize how very unique and special that made me, all by itself.  I was unique and special and worthy BECAUSE I was different and I thought differently and I had a different personality.  And I don't have to 'do' anything, 'fix' anything, or 'rescue' anyone to be worthy.  I just AM.

I know I've been blocked lately but I had no idea why.  As I stated in my previous blog, I have been asked by the universe lately to stop 'doing', 'performing,' and f'ixing.' I thought not having a steady job, and not consciously looking for my next project was tackling what I was being asked to do.  Hell, that was hard enough for a long time!!!  It is very hard to stop 'doing' when 'doing' has defined you for a long time.  LIttle did I realize that I had replaced doing things in the physical sense with 'doing' things in the emotional, psychological, and spiritual sense.  I was STILL DO-ING!!  Holy crap!  I had no idea!!!  The onion skin is deep I tell ya, deep on this one!! 

So I've decided to thank those in my life who have brought this to my attention over and over again, to thank my dear friend for 'slapping me upside the face' today from outta nowhere which was AWESOME!  And thank myself for recognizing what this all means and to release it into the ethers.

I love me for me, and so does my husband, he told me so last night.

And my son thinks I'm the best mama in the whole world.   

And that's all I need.