The Universe's Messenger

Last September, I went into New York for a party, but arrived at the venue too early. To kill time, I left the venue with the plan to return later when the party was in full swing. I started walking downtown and found an outdoor cafe. It was a balmy evening and I decided to order some wine and write in my journal. I was there for about 20 minutes when I saw a handsome guy pass by. We made eye contact and smiled. My exact thoughts at the moment were, 'Wow! He is cute!' and then resumed writing. A few minutes later, the guy, came back and struck up a conversation. I ended up spending the next ten hours with him having one of the most profound conversations of my life and never made it back to the party.

Sometimes, people are meant to walk into your life and deliver a message to you from the universe because the other signs aren't getting through to you (The universe normally has to hit me on the head with a meta-physical sledge hammer to prove its point). B, who was visiting New York on holiday from Europe, was such a person for me. I think the shock of meeting someone I seemed to click with immediately brought down my usual defenses. I found myself opening up and revealing issues and problems which plagued me to a complete stranger: I wanted to go back school, but doubted my abilities and potential; I was holding onto the past and resisting change- romantically and in other areas. Surprisingly, this act of self disclosure felt very natural in B's prescence because he listened so intently, relayed similiar experiences to mine and how he dealt with them. His perception of life, spirituality and love were also very eerily like mine. I felt as if I had met myself- male version of course- five or ten years in the future. As a result, I grew and healed mentally, emotionally and spiritually from this conversation it made my head spin.

Naturally, this intense conversation and connection I shared with B flung me into an infatuated haze. I was living very much in the moment, but in the back of mind, I couldn't help thinking: is this amazing person is (cue the holy angels singing) THE ONE?? Should I video taped every moment in my head to remember years later?

I think a part of you always know the truth of a situation, but it is sometimes very difficult for your heart or emotional mind to accept. When it was time to say goodbye, he invited me stay the night (or morning, it was 5:00 am by this point). Despite the idyllic night and the irresistible desire to stay, I had the strongest urge to leave B and go home which I promptly followed. My infatuated insanity, however, would make me question that pivotal decision as the next week passed, especially when B and I never met up again, despite tentative plans; after an awkward telephone conversation where I, in very girlish fashion, asked if our 'connection' was mutual, and he had 'to go' before giving me an answer; or him leaving the country without saying goodbye.

After that week, I was bitter about the whole situation, but quickly became accustomed to the idea I would never hear or see B again. Well, I was mistaken because every few months or so, he would sporatically call or email to say 'hi' and then disappear. By February, this whole routine was getting old and my life was starting to change and pick up speed. With clarity, I wanted to tie up all loose ends with my past- B included-to move on. Therefore, I wrote him an email to understand what really took place between us that fateful September night.

B called me from Europe that evening and explained, during that time, he was on vacation and viewed me as a 'fling.' By the way, he was in love with someone else. I took this news with stride and recovered quickly. We went on to discuss spirituality and metaphysics for the next two hours. By the end of the conversation, I was feeling okay and happy we still seemed to click. I proposed that we remain friends and stay in touch. In response to my offer, B's behavior suddenly changed. He became very cagey and accused me of putting undue pressure and obligations on him, such as friendship or correspondence, which didn't know he could fulfill. I was speechless and shocked by this reaction. I didn't know what to do, except to calm him down and end the conversation on a positive note.

When I hung up the phone, however, I was dumbfounded and gravely upset. What had I done wrong to make him so angry? I ran the conversation through my mind several times, and meditated on it. I came to conclusion that whatever set B off had nothing to do with me. I also realized my mistake: His purpose was to have that important conversation with me that night. Beyond that, I wanted things from B, such as friendship and possible relationship (when I thought it was still option) which he was incapable of giving me. I let him go then and never contacted him again.

This brings us to the present. I received an email from B for the first time in six months inquiring how I was. I answered in a friendly manner, but in my second email, I asked if he still had reservations about staying in touch with me. If so, I recommended we cease communication because I only wanted people in my life who wanted to be there. I thanked him for being the universe's messenger that first night and having that pivotal, life-changing conversation with me.

I haven't heard from B since I sent that email and probably never will. I am not upset or angry by this because I know I acted in the highest good for B. I truly wish him well and hold him in high regard for sharing that night with me and the courage it gave me. For this, I will be forever thankful.