Therapists and the vital importance of on-going Personal Development

I have realised a childish trait of stubborness coming up, so I went along with it and, again, it goes back to about the ages of 3-4. Something happened with my Dad and it was in the passageway of the house we were living in at the time.....this is just a feeling and not an actual memory...but I am sure he frightened the life out of me by grabbing my arm, pulling it up over my head, putting his face close to mine and then snarling at me and saying, 'don't you dare do that ever again' as he shook me by my raised arm. What I was 'not to do again,' I'm not too sure about, but I feel it has to do with my muteness (I went mute outside the home from this age until 8 years old)...so not talking about something.

Also, I feel it started even earlier at about 2 when I was taken away from Nan & Gramps as Dad had returned from the Navy and me and Mum obviously went to live together as a family with him. However, it must have upset me me terribly to be taken away from a totally loving environment to one which was not, so anger has been surfacing about that, as well as feelings about being forced to do things I didn't want to do, like not speaking; not expressing my feelings; trying to be good, and having to go to school and learn stupid things etc.hence the stubborness and 'sod them' deep-down attitude...but, from this I have now realised that it is absolutely fine NOT to have to be perfect and good; that it is fine to be just ME as there is nothing wrong with me after all, and that I don't have to do anything that I don't want to do just to feel accepted and loved....and the feelings of release are so liberating.

As I was remembering/feeling being shook, I realised, with alarm, that it felt sexual...however, I do KNOW without any doubt that my Dad, for all his faults, was NOT a sexual abuser, more an emotional, with me, and physical, with my Brother, one. As I went with this feeling though, I realised that the feeling/energy was a creative one, which would be sexual as it is associated with the second/sacral chakra, the seat of our sexuality, relationships, creations and expressions as well as the divine feminine....so I really feel that as Dad shook me and snarled at me, he shook away my power to openly express myself through my mouth....ie: through the spoken word.
Last night we watched 'The Sixth Sense' again, and I could really resonate with that little boy this time, right down to the feelings of isolation and feeling like a freak and not being able to tell 'my secret' to anyone, however, as said, I am not sure what my 'secret' is as yet, but if I'm meant to know that will come out too.

What has come through though with all of this, is how vital it is for any Therapist to be free from any association with their own feelings and memories when they have dealings with their clients. Years ago, a friend's Sister went to a Therapist about her emotional and depression problems and came away convinced that her Father had sexually abused her at the age of 3, hence the 'cause' of her depressions etc. She couldn't remember it in actuality, but only as a feeling...JUST LIKE I EXPERIENCED.....and of course it caused huge splits within her family because it just wasn't true. It eventually came out that the Therapist herself had suffered sexual abuse from her own Father, and yet had not dealt with it properly, so projecting it onto her client with horrendous results. I could have so easily today believed that Dad had SEXUALLY abused me, but as I allowed it to flow, I realised that it was, in actuality, my sexual/creative EXPRESSION that Dad had actually EMOTIONALLY abused and which then became blocked causing my temper tantrums, future headaches and today's stomach problems. This is why Carl Jung always said that Therapists MUST be free of neurosis themselves, why Freudian therapy is incomplete, and why Dr. Mickel of The Mickel Therapy also says that any type of Therapy can't be done without a properly trained facilitator who has gone through therapy themselves.

This happened yesterday and today I feel so released; I have removed the need to blame my Dad who deep-down was a good Dad, trying his best and who had been abused himself by his own Father, and I am now ready to allow myself to speak my truth again, whatever it is that was suppressed all those years ago.
Thank you.
Amen. x