Arguments

Arguments -
By Dr. David Simon at The Chopra Center

Turbulent emotions are generated when our needs or desires are not being met. It's easy to hold another person responsible for our internal emotional state, but it's not very empowering. The most important principle in developing emotional freedom is to recognize that we are ultimately responsible for our emotional life. When someone says something rude or insulting, our reflexive upset seems fully justified as a direct result of the other person's behavior. "You hurt my feelings!" "You make me so angry!" "You make me feel worthless!" are the expressions we regularly use when others activate our emotions. We blame them for being insensitive, unappreciative, intimidating, and mean. However, the feelings generated are our feelings. Others may activate the response by pushing the right emotional button, but the response is ours.

Consider the argument that just happened. Notice the feelings that arise. Recognize that these feelings are happening entirely within you. The discomfort arises as a result of how you are recalling and interpreting the original experience. You are generating the distress.

Now, shift your perspective. Consider the same situation from another point of view. For example, if this were a rude waitress, imagine a story that might place her behavior in context. She is a single mom raising her children, one of whom was sick this morning. This caused her to be late for work, resulting in her boss chewing her out right before you sat down for breakfast. When you complained about your toast being cold, she felt overwhelmed and responded curtly. You felt offended, but there were other possible responses, both then and now.

Hurt, anger, sadness, and fear are authentic emotions that will occur as long as we are alive. When we experience the unwelcome crossing of our personal boundaries, these basic emotions arise and are as natural to our emotional lives as our impulse to defend ourselves or withdraw from bodily assault. Responding openly and honestly at the time the situation is happening enables us to fully process the experience. Unfortunately, we are laden with past impressions that color our perception and interpretation of every experience so that we rarely respond solely to the situation at hand. Each new episode draws upon our history. We perceive the current situation through the filters of our past.

Your wife suggests you wear a different shirt as you are getting ready to go out to dinner and you become irritated. You reject her advice, her feelings are hurt, and your evening is ruined. What happened? She believed she was offering helpful advice, for in her family of origin, her mother often helped her father choose his clothing. You interpreted her suggestion as controlling and voicing disapproval, reflecting early patterns with your mother. Your rejection of her counsel brought up her patterns of not being respected. A simple exchange stirs up lifelong issues.

Who is responsible for the upset? Each person is ultimately responsible for his or her own reactions. If the only way to avoid being swept up in emotional turbulence is for someone else to alter his or her behavior, we will forever be at the mercy of our environment. The energy wasted while we are jerked by the leash of our emotional reactions results in depletion and exhaustion. If we are truly committed to recovering our vitality, we must accept responsibility for our emotional life.

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