Intent Perception and Clarity

Why is it that people do good deeds? I was in stop and go traffic this morning and thus had time to reflect on recent happenings. I’ve lived my entire life with the top priority of continuously changing for the better, evolving into a more wholesome and enlightened person. But what is the reason that I’ve done such things? I believe in karma, so do I act justly so that I can gain better karma, so that the next life will be even better? Is that my sole intent, to basically “buy my way” into the afterlife? Do I do good deeds so that I can feel better about myself, more righteous? Do I put on a fake face and actually do them selfishly and opportunistically? Or do I actually do good deeds or the sake of doing them. You know, being honest with yourself is the best way to understand your inner self better so that you can put things in perspective. Lucky for me, I’ve realized that my ability to disconnect from the world and reflect on it as an observer is my gift and as such, I’d like to share it with those who too are willing to live a happy life. But recent events made me see that my ability to disconnect from the world can also be a weakness. This means that if I am an observer, I can not immediately be a participant in the world unless I mentally switch roles.

"Live a good life. If there are gods and they are just, then they will not care how devout you have been, but will welcome you based on the virtues you have lived by. If there are gods, but unjust, then you should not want to worship them. If there are no gods, then you will be gone, but will have lived a noble life that will live on in the memories of your loved ones." - Marcus Aurelius

At twenty three years old I do believe that I’ve come a long way in personal evolution, or enlightenment. However, I realized today that I have a long ways to go no matter how enlightened or wise I believe myself to be. Some things happened recently that gave me the opportunity to analyze my current perspective on life. For the first time in my life I’ve realized my self worth, as many people have said that they have never encountered such a wise person especially at my young age. Through empathy, I am able to connect with people on a very deep level, and given my nature, when I see the opportunity to bring light to someone’s life, perhaps even to save them, I take it and never give up.

Alexander the Great said, “There is nothing impossible to he who will try” and I have pasted that quote on the wall above my computer. I’ve made it my key goal to establish my resolve and not let it waver, though at times I completely forget that word.

Since relocating to Houston for my surgery and recovery, I have met a few people. About a month ago one of my friends introduced me to, let’s call him Bob. My ex girlfriend and I used to argue about the people I would place myself around. She said that it’s impossible to save people who are in the darkness without tainting yourself. I strongly disagree, insofar that if you are honest with yourself and form your resolve you can accomplish anything. She only seemed to mentor people who were lost, but not those in despair.

But that despair is something that I know all too well.

The Abyss Within
[Written second semester of my senior year of high school back in 2004]
Staring into an abyss,
the void within
The free fall
into despair seems to be endless.

Repressed emotion
A poison for the soul
No cure to bring salvation
No remnant of the former whole.

Tension rising,
No valve to release;
Sorrowful emotion,
unable to vent, still displeased.

One peers inside,
sight gouged by pain.
Under a shroud, the soul
never sees the light of day.

I wrote that during my journey out of depression and into what I like to call, my “happiness bubble” in which I currently, and always to the best of my ability, reside in.

“He who is of a calm and happy nature will hardly feel the pressure of age, but to him who is of an opposite disposition youth and age are equally a burden." - Plato

My recent friend, Bob, and I have a lot in common. Well, at least enough for me to be able to relate with him and understand him well enough for me to do my best and help him get his life in order. In my most recent lifestyle, I’ve seen a lot of ups and downs for the people around me, including myself. I won’t get too into it for obvious reasons here, but I’ve seen and experienced a great deal in the last year. I am a firm believer in the importance of experience, and living outside of the box free of a paradigm of fear. The worst thing to do is to live in fear, as there is “nothing to fear but fear itself.”

"Experience is the teacher of all things." - Julius Caesar

To not experience life and form your own perspective is to do oneself a great injustice. To live with one basic perception of life, in a fearful manner, is what I see to be as an “evil.”

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover." - Mark Twain

Back to the subject of my friend, Bob, I will now briefly describe the situation. From my observations I have concluded that Bob has lived recklessly on all levels. He has used substances to escape his problems until a point where it degraded into him having a seizure on me. What do you do when you are driving and all of a sudden you see your passenger having wild convulsions, foaming out of the mouth, with his eyes at the back of his head? I learned that day that, no matter what, I have to be prepared to deal with anything as the human life is absolutely divine and should be cherished. I was disappointed with myself that day because it caught me off guard, and though I did what I could for him (and almost got my finger bitten off as I tried to put a shirt in his mouth to stop him from tearing through his tongue more - and he did ; apparently that‘s a technique that is not used anymore, says EMS). I decided on that day that I was going to renew my Red Cross certification because there’s lots of aspects involved in saving a life during an emergency that I just don’t remember how to do.

Though at this point I have known him for about a month or two at the most, I decided that I would do my best to help him get back on his feet. He is a great guy, but lost in life because he has put himself in the shoes of one that could be easily influenced by the darkness around him.

Just two days ago on Sunday, we experienced something that seemed to be out of a movie. I was on my way to drop my buddy off at his house and then head to my music production class. At the intersection under the tollway, a woman jumped a red light at moderate speed (40-45) and hit another woman in the rear of her car. The poor victim spun out of control and did a 720 degree spin wildly, with tires screetching as she had slammed on her brake the whole time. It seemed surreal, as the woman’s out of control car spun wildly in our direction. It was like a scene in a movie, where a helicopter would crash and the propeller would continue onward about to kill the person, but only stopping an inch away. This happened to us, the woman’s out of control car stopped literally less than one inch from my bumper. We were in shock, and both said that it had been our fortune that my karma had protected us from injury, and my car from damage.

But this is where I was disappointed with myself, though a state of shock is normal, I hold myself to higher standards than that. I was stuck in observer mode for a short time as we both were blown away that it had just happened. My friend Bob, was the first to act. As he opened the door to his car I realized that perhaps the passengers in the two cars of the accident might not be okay. As he ran to the victim’s car I went to check on the other one. I saw him pushing the car to the side with his adrenaline clearly pumping. I went and checked on the other car and she was fine, though she seemed to not really care about what had just happened (despite her bumper being torn off). The other driver though, had been crying hysterically and my buddy, not I, attended to her and calmed her down. I felt worthless because I was unable to pull myself out of observer mode and be more active in helping the situation be resolved.

My buddy is a great guy and that is why I have been so determined to help him. Last night I found out that he had gotten himself into trouble again and ended up in the Psychiatric Ward (I can relate here, too). Tomorrow is his birthday and I had been hoping to spend a good one with both he and his brother, the other good active influence in his life. I’ve been pretty upset at the fact that my buddy will most likely still be in the ward during his birthday.

I’ve been trying to show him that he needs to do things in his best and highest good. Not just things that seem to be in one’s best interest, but one needs to see to it that it is in their absolute best and highest good. I’ve also been trying to help him find his inner voice so that he would be able to find his passions in life so that he can pursue them. Whether it’s an musical instrument or an dream to chase, one needs to find that inner calling and go for it.

Another thing is that I hope that I’m not fake and all talk. I hope that I’m as sincere as I appear to be and that it’s not all just an opportunistic ploy to get ahead. I pray that I’m more of an angel than a devil, because that would suck.

I came to the conclusion that regardless of my intent on doing good deeds and acting justly, that I should continue doing so. I do strongly believe in reincarnation and a karmic balance, so that in this life even if I am doing good deeds selfishly, perhaps in the next life I will learn the lesson, though it would be nice for me before the end of this one, to be even more selfless than I am.

I've also recently begun the long process of writing my first book. I have been wanting to write a book for the last five years, and only now am i confident enough in myself to undertake that gargantuan size of a task.

Don't make life harder than it already is. Use [trust] your intuition and guide yourself properly.