christenwypy's blog

I am feeling better now. Wrote this earlier today. Still felt compelled to share it because it is what it is, all part of my process.

So when you let the negativity go too far, how do you get the light back? Do you reach a point where there is no turning back? Do you have to just reset the whole process again?

When I give in to the feeling of being angry, it creates bad energy for the whole house. I manifest that which isn't. I am an expert at this. Like a natural disaster, I can destroy everythng in a single blow. Suddenly our lives are splattered with mud and grime and everything falls apart, even if just moments ago it sparkled and shined.

It's so easy to know
When I press kisses into soft, smiley, apple cheeks
That love is all there is

Sweet warriors of Light
Why have I been so blessed to have your lives intermingle with mine?
You show me the Way

Why has God bestowed upon me your precious lessons?
I only hope I am worthy and able
To un-teach you and keep you pure

I try hard to think myself worthy

Okay so just to recap something from the other day....

*Husband's paycheck was garnished due to an old student loan- I was okay
*Husband lost wallet with money orders inside to pay bills- I said it is all part of a divine plan
*I broke the baby's crib- and had a meltodown for a few minutes
*I fixed the crib- felt better

So, I just wrote a long, emotional, enlightening (to me) blog and as I was re-reading it, it suddenly disappeared. Wow.

Maybe all that was not meant for all to see. I was uncovering painful things as I wrote...

But anyway, I still want to say some things.

"I feel like we are back in that dark place. A place we just recently escaped from, we are back in it again."

"I feel the same, exact way," he answered to me. It surprised me that he acknowledged this to me and didn't just say I was crazy.

So how do we get out? Just tread the muck until it clears? Swim in place? Pretend there is no muck?

So just really quick. I had a "good run" for the past months as far as my spirituality and staying in the now. Not that I haven't had my lows or small bouts of negativity but I've been able to recover. However, this week everything feels really off to me.

i feel icky today. the last couple of days have been pretty blissful. yesterday my daughter had temper tantrums and my husband cursed at me and it rained when i had to bring the groceries in from the car and i was pretty okay, tranquil even. the mysterious flies that manifest in my house out of thin air appeared and i had no twinges of fear or anger (bug phobia).

When I was a child my parents said I ruined everything and so I did. They said I didn't do anything right and I was worthless and so I was. I'd ask Mom if she wanted help cleaning and she'd say no because when I helped she'd just have to go and do it all over again anyway.

I stopped trying.

May 13th-
From the eye of the storm you can't reach anyone.
You pick up debris and whirl it.
You wreck everything in your path.
You go in circles.