I should've probably started writing about this sooner, and honestly I had shut my computer off just to turn it back on and get my ponderments out.
I've been so 'out of wack' for several weeks now. It started more around the 21st or so of November. My husband was in North Dakota for his job (the company he works for does the cement bases for cell phone towers) and instead of being home sometime on the 22nd or the 23rd he was going to be home closer to the 26th.
Now, I'm a person that seems to adapt well to 'alone time' and for the most part I'm not bothered at all about his being on the road. It's a job he needs at this time to make money to get us to where we want to be.
My husband had been in the Navy for a stint, that's a long story that doesn't really pertain to this other than for the fact I'm used to being away from him. We didn't see each other in person for about a year, we adapted to that fine...but it's becoming harder for us to tolerate being away from each other now.
Why? Nothing traumatic has happened...but we both are finding that we really dislike being away from each other. Bill says that he feels better when he's around me...from what he says I feel like I am his Hematite, his grounding stone. He feels more at ease and happy when we're together (and I suppose that is a good thing...to miss each other and enjoy our company) but the fact that I feel so LONELY is upsetting me.
I felt like for those few days, and even when he was around...this hole in my gut...towards the end of our long weekend I felt more at ease and whole...only to be lonely again.
I know some of the problem was that on the 23rd I had Thanksgiving with my step-family, and that turned into Chaos...my step-brother and his wife had two huge blow-ups of yelling, but the first blow-up was the worst because of yelling, throwing objects, storming out, etc. It was so uncomfortable for me...the anxiety, the ache in my heart and gut...and the sadness I felt for their daughter (who is 3, going to be 4) of having to grow up in such an environment. I felt alone...Bill was not there, my step-dad and I have grown distant but yet still have a relationship....I think we were both two people in a situation that we wished we hadn't been in. Seeing two people in such a way....and they and my other step-brother and his wife think it is NORMAL! Normal to throw things and hit things (as opposed to another person) is normal? A normal and loving relationship? That is not how people learn and grow.

I've been so sad, for why I am unsure...so lonely and empty-feeling. The weather upsets me...snow (though pretty), the darkness, the cold....I'm around people all day and then suddenly I'm home alone (with my fish kids) and feeling very out of sorts.

The past week (over a week really) I've had such a pain in my head, neck, and shoulders....a constant headache peeking out around my eye-sockets and my temples. Especially the sides of my nose (near where my glasses sit when they are on) My neck has been stiff, my shoulders felt like I had a tight elastic band on them...so stiff and tight.
My mum said that the aches were most likely preventing me from releasing more stuff, whatever it is.

I treated myself to a massage today, and subsequently I had two times where later in the day I cried. Just one thing triggering tears....but tears for what?

I feel so tired too, I relax, nap, sleep in (and for me, letting myself sleep in is hardly ever something I indulge in...most times 'sleeping in' is 7:30, but I stayed in bed until almost 8:30 this morning!)

I'm also not necessarily worried...but I'm unsure if there is more behind this than I know. There is a man at work whom I feel is a fried or confidant of sorts...there is something about him that pulls me to him. I feel drawn to him, I don't know why...I don't know if it's because I'm feeling childish of my being lonely (and I want to make it clear I would never do anything that would harm my relationship with my husband as I love him with all my heart) but I do not understand my growing...I'm not sure what...I do not want to say interest...but I am finding myself looking forward to working with him, talking to him, etc. We have this weird sense of humor that seems to be an ongoing inside joke between this co-worker and I. I don't find that it's anything worse than when you get two guys being goofy together. This co-worker and I can go back and forth with jokes for quite some time. We both have good vocabulary, so really it's just twisting of words.
I have not checked, but I'm wondering if perhaps he was in a past life before...I feel like I'm with someone long-lost...he's a nice person and I love talking to him. He is an older person as well, mid-late 40's, and he seems to be pretty spiritual as well. He's done a lot of traveling, been a monk for a period of time, etc.
I find him to be an interesting soul, and I feel it's more of me wanting to get his take on life, as well as himself...his spirit. Something draws me to him and I have no idea why. What worries me is I do not feel I'm stepping out of bounds, but yet I worry that my feelings are un-warranted and not 'proper'. I don't want to run off this this person or anything...but I find myself almost craving his company? Not for anything more than our friendly 'banter' and conversation. Which is why I wonder if there's more to it than just the outward appearance...like if he's a spirit I've been around before.

Overall I feel more light-hearted than I did earlier in the week, though I still feel a bit tired and like I'm clearing out some emotional trash of sorts.
I wonder if I'm going though an evolving period still...because honestly I was so down in the dumps Monday-Wed. morning, then later Wed. afternoon and Thursday, even today I was like 'wee! I'm happy and fun again' I felt the lightest I've felt in about two weeks...but still I feel a little confused and such.

I suppose this just means more time to 'ride the wave' and get comfortable, deal with blockages/issues...and keep on this experience.