Freezing rain is falling from the sky, encasing everything below in layers of ice, and it's only just begun. It will continue throughout the day and then turn back to snowfall tomorrow. Although I don't much mind snow, the ice has put a bit of a damper on the day. The plan had been to get a job today, I finally got an application for a place I wouldn't mind working for. I've been out of work for a few months, I couldn't stand the stress and stimulus of waiting tables at Applebee's, I hated it in TN, why I thought it'd be any different in KY I don't know. It's been a year now since Kendall and I moved here from TN. Almost two since we met in Franklin. We've not had the most smooth relationship and have considered separating a number of times, always thawrted by our mutual addiction to each other, we do love each other, but sometimes egos interacting with each other through us tears us apart. I have deeply engrained dependancy issues, as I suspect he does as well. This morning he said "Where would be you if you weren't here?" I was frank either near my mom, not my first choice, or pursuing my desire to go to Kripalu, a yoga retreat center in Lenox, MA. I've wanted to go since 18, when I read "Yoga and the Quest for the True Self". I'd like to at least do the 4 month volunteer program, just to have the opportnity to meet people of like mind and purify my mind and body of the grip of fear and ego. From there I do not know where I would go, I'd like to think I could be a yoga teacher, learn massage, reiki or some other education at Kripalu. The thing is money, I've had a limited perspective of abundance, and unfortunately have been to a.d.d. or Indigo to work much. Don't get me wrong I've worked and will have to inorder to accomplish my dreams, but just working to make money, and neglecting my spiritual desires leaves me so cold and empty, resentful that I'm not free, and afraid I'll never reach deep enough within to find happiness.

I am conflicted about staying in the relationship I'm in, for concern that perhaps I've settled for a less than compatible match. That surely I could find a more spiritual partner, one who's read books I've read or is willing at least to explore for himself or herself the spiritual, the esoteric, the metaphysical. Who is Aware, and transmutes ego and recognizes the pain-body so that it may be healed. Who is Open-minded and willing to try new things, do yoga with me, and eat vegitarian. Maybe I'm being to specific, or maybe I should realize that if I'm grateful for the possibilty I may just manifest my Higher Vibration, my Higher Vision for my life. My TwinSoul may be in my heart, and I need only to open to recieve that love. Perhaps I will encounter the Unconditional Love and Divine Connection I seek in this Lifetime, I hope, I pray, and I thank the Universe for the chance, the increased possibility even as I ask, I recieve.

In my despiration and depression I had lost my Self, and only know my self to be small, limited and lonely.
Encased in Ice, alive inside but frozen in stasis, trying to stay awake, waiting patiently for the warmth to bathe me in Light and Love and melt my frozen heart, and bring me back to the world of the living. I still am living entombed in a life I ultimately will not choose, I will decide to live a life much different than the one I'm living now. I choose to live in an Awakened Community, living in Peace and Harmony, connected to Source and Divinely Inspired. Whether I must find this place or create it, I will. Perhaps I've already created it, I've only yet to experience it. Like so much I know intellectually, I've yet to apply this wisdom experientially.

I'm not sure what prompted me to Blog, I rarely do, I guess I just needed to give myself a bit of a pep talk, because it seems, I can no longer depend on my boyfriend for security, I must stand on my own two feet.
Be not afraid, Bernadette, you are not alone.
You ask who will love you, I will, open your heart and let me in.