The Value of Peace

I have always followed the path of least resistance. I believed that God is not a God of confusion and if I am in confusion I must be on the wrong path. This year I have learned many things that would point to a God who wants nothing of me but that u chart my own way and be successful in it. Well I have truly messed that up. Let me share with you present position in which I sit.
I took a chance on a better life. I pushed against the wall as if it would crumble before me. When presented with a deal that could bring great riches into my life I leaped at it with both feet. I threw caution to the wind and all hell broke loose. I now have lost a very dear friend whose respect and love I valued. He is the love of my life and I do not want to live without him. He told me that he was beginning to doubt my intelligence. But have you ever wanted to believe in miracles so bad that all logic is gone. I stand in that place. We use to talk every day. Now I never hear from him. The last communication was. “Thanks for all the love. Go and be happy. Love always”

I stand to lose the respect of my children when they find that I have squandered all of the money and cannot pay the taxes on the property. I borrowed money from both of my daughters. The youngest has been saving for the bar exam and I spent it on this deal. I don’t know how to tell her. I am so ashamed. My ego is completely crushed. She has often spoken of me as the eye of the storm. That is probably because I always chose the path of least resistance. Oh yes, I am my own rock of Gibraltar. In an economy where many have lost their homes due to foreclosure, I have continued to maintain with the help of my friends. I would live within my means and whenever possible splurge on a meal out with the kids. But I never coveted those things that others did which were not possible for me. I live simple and I was happy with my simple life. Oh I can’t say I never dreamed of more. We always have our dreams.

I have seen myself standing out on this cliff. It is high above a waterfall. I have had the dream many times but only found out a couple of days ago where on the earth this cliff exists. It is Juleda Falls in South Africa. I knew that I would someday see it soon. I just need this one deal to come through and all of our dreams would come true.
I would clean up the girl’s student loans and give them an opportunity to be free from the dept hanging over their heads just because they desired higher education. I would give my sons the chance to attend a school of their choice and have a good life doing what they love. You see life is not worth living if you cannot fulfill your passion. But what is my passion? In addition to being a great mother, I want to be a philanthropist.

When I was young I wanted to be a Missionary Nurse and feed, heal, love on children in third world countries like Africa. I became a minister because my desire to help people is so strong. I know a great God that loves and want all to come to know this love. Today I learn the value of peace while having my ego bruised beyond recognition because I have acted out of character and am feeling the burn of a hell I created for myself. This is a place beyond hope because all hope is gone. I know why many have ended their lives during this time of depression. The stress is tremendous especially when you are the head of the house and the house is crumbling around you. If incarnation is real, I said I wanted to return as a white male. But that is not true. I would hate to be in that position and feel that as the leaders of this society I was responsible for its demise. I don’t want to be a man. I only want to be a woman. I want someone I can lean on at this moment. I long for arms to hold me and a low calming voice to whisper in my ears words of comfort and care. I have not been able to be a woman for a long time.

I am in this place somewhere in between. Here you keep up the profile of your femininity while moonlighting as the man with shoulders broad enough to carry the load alone. You know people look at you and wonder how you do it. You never show stress and your demeanor conveys the message that you are weathering it all well. You pray and meditate a lot as these things keep you in peace and in communication with the source of your only strength. You believe that you are doing all that God requires of you. Why your morals are impeccable. No one can say that you have behaved conspicuously. You are a pillar of the community, respected by all. Your yard is well kept and your children neat and clean, with manners that reflect the quality of the home you are providing for them. You could boast of your accomplishments but boasting is a garment that none wear well. After all this is the life that God chose for you. Then you learn that you created this. You are the author of this book and suddenly it is not alright. The only thing God wants is that you take charge and create a life that you will be pleased with. You have been provided all of the tools. In my case I could say a spade, shovel, dirt and seeds are all at hand. Now what are you going to grow in your garden. Where do you begin to bring into manifestation your heart’s desire? You and God are one; therefore your heart is God’s heart. What do you want?

Well the computer hardware is the same, but now the system, the software must change. This is easier said than accomplished. You were going along finding yourself pleased with whatever state you were in because you thought it pleased the Source, Consciousness, The Prime Creator that you be in this place. Now you know that if you do not decide a decision will be made for you, but not by God, by fate. Fate is that which comes from the collective consciousness when we leave the results to chance instead of deciding for ourselves. So I entered into this venture with the decision that life would be grander and more elaborate. I envisioned a very loving and wise man by my side that also is not poor. I no longer want to live in care of the three things that all animal life on the planet requires food, sex, and shelter. I want to be the one bestowing on others, in the flow of the spirit, meeting the needs of others instead of always the one in need. When the opportunity presented itself I jumped and did not hold back anything. The results of which I have yet to see, but I am creating my own destiny aware of the choices I make for my life. I must also bear the burden of my own failure in the process. In all of this I have learned the incredible value of Peace. Something my life has been absent of for a couple of months. I long for my peace. It is priceless.