After spending a week with my children consoling them over the death of their father, I am now again facing another catastrophy. It was enough just dealing with the death & addiction issues. Now, I face watching my son go to prison for his 3rd (yes habitual) class y felony in our state. Yes, again, its addiction I'm dealing with - not mine - I have never been able bring myself to use drugs. I have tried repeatedly to forgive - forget - surround with love - face this within myself etc, but the tears are still streaming down my face as I think of my son being sent to prison for 10-40 years or life. You question where you went wrong - did I do everything I could? Yes, I taught him right, he preferred to do as his father did and now he will pay the price.

His father died at age 52 for his addiction. He suffered through Hepatitis C and slowly declined in health until his death last Monday. We just held the memorial service Sunday. My son and I spent the last month helping him and became very close. My son will now live out his life in a cell - or be gone because he believes that suicide or leaving the country is the way to go. He was arrested in front of me last week and because he didnt serve any time for two previous arrests - he will be dealt the third strike law. Its the same as murder charges in this state. The real blow is that this third arrest is for having his fathers morphine on him. My son is epileptic - what does that mean in prison? I know he is dealing with fear issues, I find my hands tied now in how much I can do for him.

I'm tring to surround this with love and light, but the tears wont stop. I know this is a very dark night for me - what will I find after this is over? I don't know - I feel like breaking under the pressure. I can hope a butterfly is waiting for me on the other side, but the emergence is the most painful thing I have ever lived through.

I have been asking guidance from my guide's but there is only silence now. I am forced to listen to only my heart and it tells me that this is something I have to live through - even though it is causing only sadness. It just keeps cascading in on me. Now, my 90 year old mother calls today and tells me that she wants to move again /sigh.

These are times that test our souls and confirm our faith.