I thought I would float through this month from the way it started, but it's been utter hell. Someone remarked that rejection is one of the hardest things to go through on the road to enligthenment. I don't know if I'm on that road but for some rather odd reason I started to receive serial rejections at some point last autumn. You think this will make you stronger but the last ones have thrown me right back into darkest depression. May be that it's a form of self-pity. It doesn't matter. What matters most is that you feel so utterly helpless, so utterly condtioned to a human way of reacting. Considering the two that occurred this month; well I certainly did nothing to deserve the first and was basically stabbed in the back. The second one I somehow managed to cause myself although that was due to an increasing realization that I would never be accepted in that community no matter how hard I tried to integrate and use my chameleon's abilities.

So the feeling that I just don't matter enough for anyone to really want to get to know me properly before they jump off the wagon is excruciating. I don't feel self-loathe as I never feel anything but a certain neutrality towards the persona that I am in this life. I don't believe in having to love oneself, that's just another hyped up form of emotion that doesn't lead to anything but superiority and bragging IMHO. I never understood the concept anyway so I'm content with neutrality. Yet when you add all the blasted human emotions together you do feel rather worthless in SOME sense. Hopes have been crushed, you've revisited the old pain of disappointment in other people, you have made a fool of yourself (perhaps that was also due to cosmic events... can always try and find an excuse...), you're angry that you still haven't gotten over all this human nonsense and have bought into the whole illusion of rejection...

I knew that more rejections would be too much for me to handle. For god's sakes, get a grip on yourself, is what I keep telling myself. Then why is it so difficult. Why can't I just get on with life and continue to believe in a better future and that I'm deserving of it too. I ran a race in the normal world and lost - so I do regret that. But I don't really blame myself for all of it. I'm sure the rejection that ensued was somehow programmed to happen and that I'm supposed to finally stop trying to intregrate with people who are not on my wave length no matter how much I wish to relate and connect with others.

I'm writing this only because I know many feel stuff like this at this time. And maybe to vent too. Getting over the acceptance that you don't fit in anywhere can be quite the dark nigth of your soul.