Well actually I feel an urge to write a sequel to my previous blog about rejection. This I want to do mainly because it helps me sort out my thoughts and because I think others battle with these issues as well. Sharing sometimes helps to resolve the energetic knots we're carrying. I am thinking that rejection is similar to resistance. Be aware that this is a very small part of a much more extensive story. I have become a tad wary of exposing myself as there are people who like nothing better than to put you down. That sort of rejection can make you stronger once you've reclaimed your power and realized that the other person has an issue, not you. If you're the one who has done wrong it's a lesson to be learned. This is only part of the story though. There's always more beneath. There is an obvious truth in the idea that we attract what we either possess or lack. It's kind of commonsense really. Now the sad thing about the life of so many is that they have been conditioned to believe and feel certain things that are not true about themselves. Going back to your childhood usually gives you ideas as to what the issues are and you might be able to resolve them. However, people who are a little complicated because they chose to come here in the name of altruism may have a harder time uncovering the deeper layers of pathology.

One of my collages is called "Me, Myself and I" and depicts the feeling of division. I'm not speaking of a split self or common schizophrenia, or anything like that. I'm speaking of a more profound feeling of being two "entities" (Self vs self) in one corporeal form - something which is obviously hard to describe in words. Note that the two are not separated and that despite having a mind of their own so to speak they have to walk in the same direction. Of course, in the normal world they might be separated surgically. In this case that is not the answer...

Now what is really going on is that I am aware of myself as a powerful soul, one that has willingly limited itself in order to learn about humanity and maybe do some good here too. Note that the figure drawn by myself as a child is Pippi Longstockings, the superchild (in the middle). As someone kindly alerted me to the idea that stories we liked as a child may hold meaning throughout our lives, this is certainly one example. The other story I especially liked was Pelle the Cat Without a Tail. Pelle was obviously the cat that stood out as being different, because he had a handicap. He was also the nice guy who was always teased. As so happens I have that sort of tail myself, though it only became obvious when I was much older (about ten). In the collage the black strips on the back of the ladies represent just that. It is a handicap that has embarrassed the hell out of me all of my life. I can never feel safe that a guy will accept me for who I am in a society that is so focused on external beauty. I know that any other reason could be just as valid but in my case it's the lack of a "tail".

The funny thing is, I am in touch with a guy at this moment who is supposedly spiritual but makes no pretense about the fact that formal beauty is what attracts him. He has also resolved to reject society and live a rather constrained existance on his own terms. It's kind of funny in that I am having to think how this person would react to my lack of tail and also consider what I personally think about rejecting the world. In other words, there's plenty of rejection in the air apart from the two other incidents I mentioned in my previous blog and that I am in the process of getting over (you may attract stuff but damn people can be so daft at times as well!). Of course all this has to mirror something about myself so the trick is to figure out what exactly. One thing that is true about myself is that I am not apt to rejecting the world in any extreme terms, instead I have tried too hard to fit into it. In this pursuit the inner strength is obviously in the way, since it tends to intimidate people. Being a person who is always in a process or another this, on top of everything else, is probably also an impossible feat since you can't fit in a steady niche if you're in transition. Nonetheless... it all boils down to my rejection of my entire human existance. When you can't beat the enemy, you join them... now that sounds fine and dandy except that in this case it causes a whole lot of frustration and anger. It's not so much a matter of you hating yourself versus loving yourself, it's that your loneliness and "difference" makes you crave for human interaction and connection in the wrong places. Because you're not happy with the circumstances you were born with you seek acceptance as if it was a matter of life and death. This dichotomy could perpetuate itself for aeons... While you know you're wasting your time and deserve better company than people who are not on your own wavelength, you have managed to convince yourself that it's all you can have. More perfect people would obviously not want someone who doesn't have a tail... It's really a Catch22 in the end.

It seems that the task at hand is superimposing or merging (not juxtaposing!) your true inner Self with the external, temporary self that was created only for this incarnation. Revering only one or the other is equally detrimental. The adage "love yourself" bears no meaning whatsoever unless you realize that you're dealing with two sides of a coin. To accept the life that you went ahead and accepted when you incarnated (albeit with some karma involved for most of us) becomes the real issue, and the hardest one to accept if you're not content with it. I am not content with mine and have thus always resisted it. It turned out harder than I think I anticipated. All I see is pain and suffering though in reality it's a feat that I'm even still alive and in much better shape than most people would be who had a similar issue of a lacking tail. It's no wonder, the discomfort is always there and will always be there.

This is not a story of victim-hood but one of victory. I have never thought of myself as a victim in the normal sense of the word, and I always knew mine would have to be a story of victory if I was ever to really help other human beings. Yet accepting a fact of life that is so limiting and embarrassing in the face of all the "normal" people out there is incredibly challenging. I still am not sure how it's done. I do realize though that this is the real deal, and once the key is found the lock will be unlocked.