I have found that the more I grow the more i feel like I lose people that are close to me.I would like to have a time in my life where I could have someone there for me that I knew would really BE there,in the physical.I know this is one of my 'low days' symptoms.I have been trying constantly to get in touch with ME and I feel like I am probably doing something 'wrong' cause I can't seem to be cool when I'm alone(I feel 'needy' .I hate being alone).
                 I can't take it much longer(atleast this is how I feel right now).I am tired of having people around and still feeling lonely.I am tired of trying to communicate with people who don't understand my 'language'.I wish I knew how to communicate with others again.I feel so akward now.I don't know what to say to people anymore('normal people').I can't even explain myself to them or say what I am feeling cause I don't ever seem to get it right(in a way that they don't just looked puzzled,pissed or like I told a joke). My close friends and even my fiance keep telling me that I think that I am perfect(ha!I wish I thought I were perfect,then I wouldn't be here bawling my eyes out trying to figure out "what's wrong with me?" so much)I keep telling them that I am just sharing my experiences with them.I guess I wished I had someone to be there with me,constantly encouraging me to "keep on keeping on".I'm just feeling like the more I find myself the more I seem to drive people away.I just wish I could just find way to keep on going while keeping atleast my most love ones,the way I feel is like we are sooo different now that I guess we irritate each other or just have nothing in common.I would love to move forward but I don't like the idea of leaving people behind,THINGS I will leave,people,that's another story with me.I can't seem to understand the concept of 'leaving' others behind so that I can move forward......can't get it....yet.
                I just feel as they say,connected to everything but disconnected from it all at the same time.it's driving me nuts!I only blog when I'm really happy or really not,right now I'm not.and hate it that I can't seem to shake it either.I try praying,affirmations,grounding,breathing.I can't concentrate long enough when I'm like this to meditate or even sleep.So I end up tired,frustrated most times crying with no way to shake it.....sigh.......I dislike these days even though they lead to bigger realisations,they feel shitty,no other way of putting it.I haven't mastered the Flowerpowerhappypixiedustnomatterwhatness as yet I guess.
               Till then I guess I'll ride this wave like all the others and try even harder to see what I need to learn.I'm just tired of school being so 'hard' though.I long for REAL peaceful days,REAL happiness,REAL love,REAL friendship....here....on this planet...that I can really experience long enough to know for sure that it wasn't just a dream or passing luck.I am tired of mere hours or for the most some days of sorta happiness(or just relief that the 'ass kicking' is over...for now)I want sustainable love,peace and happiness.I know I deserve that. Ok....I guess enough venting for now.(giggle).Thank you for always being there and being my family as I feel like I have no others but you guys right now that understand me.
Love,Light and Sunshine Kisses......and Bubbles!
Sade