I'm not quite sure why I want to write this down or what my intention is. Actually I should be spending my time doing work related writing. It's just that I was on a forum today where all kinds of people meet. I don't believe I'm socially handicapped, I just don't always understand how so-called normal people function, but I'm reasonably shy and I have trouble fitting in anywhere as stated in other blogs. Since I'm the one who is different and an artist at that, I have to make the effort of trying to fit in. There have been groups (mostly IRL but online too) where things have worked out splendidly and then again others where finding my place has taken months or years! Now this forum was one that I was persuaded to stay on because someone was very interested in hearing what I have to say on various topics and art in particular. Flattering, haha. I also saw it as a challenge to try and understand and accept the way people interact in a place like that. I enjoyed finding that I can be quite funny in the right environment and some of the serious discussions where quite nice as many of the people there are intelligent and also my age.

However there is always someone on the forum who gets a hissy fit about my way of being and totally ruins my day. I've been trying to work on that and not allow it to affect me since the allegations usually are unfounded. What I've noticed is that it affects me when I'm being taken by surprise. I trust someone and joke around with them and then all of a sudden they blow up in my face or stab me in the back. While this roller coaster has been going on I've certainly wondered which is better; trying to "harden" oneself in some mysterious way so as not to be affected by the false allegations and the negativity, or just leave. Or is there still something for me to understand.... Oh I just don't know. I left once but then people started to say nice things about me, how the fact that I was different contributed to the community... What I found interesting was that some felt that I was always exposing my soul and speaking directly or that they could look right into my soul. I am not aware of this myself but am thinking this may be the reason I come to this site as well. The same guy on that forum who had backed me up in the beginning appeared with a whole thread dedicated to me! I couldn't just watch all this going on and felt I had to reappear and speak with my own voice rather than let people speculate.

What I find is that people speculate and assume an awful lot and without it the world would be quite a different place! I don't do that much so I am not sure why I attract it all or whether it's just a case of the world being a funny place right now and many "different" people getting targeted because others who are less aware are purging. I dunno... I need to think about all that some more.

I've been doing pretty well lately, having felt that I've been able to let go of some of my obsession about loneliness. My qigong practice seems to balance me up a great deal and there are days when I feel it's helping me not to get all that upset with external crap. In fact there are times when I listen to people whining and feel utterly positive and constructive in my responses. So why am I still looking to talk to people online on forums where I am constantly at risk of being attacked for some petty reason? As it happened today again I knew I could let it alone and just walk away from it but it didn't seem right. I suppose that's what I still have to polish; the ability to not react and defend myself. We all know there is nobody to defend, lol. But then I came here and a line caught my eye. It was something about building up more positivity and how we are creating a better world and things like that. I had this odd sensation coming over me. I simply couldn't care less about a better world.

The above feeling shocked me a bit. Did I hit some vein of accepting the unaccepatble or is this just a sign of the times as described by Karen Bishop? These sure are strange times. But one thing is certain; whereas I was running away from loneliness for a long time I have become more willing to rest in it and allow things to become integrated. I ask for a lack of DRAMA.

This blog was about nothing much. I guess it just helped to put it down in writing. There is much to contemplate so as to get through the road blocks. Ultimately I really do have trouble caring about this world and maybe the cork is coming loose so I can see what is inside the bottle.

A day later: I don't feel like another blog, this is just to say that I am obviously being told to be alone and not spend time online with a bunch of people with double standards, so after yet another back-stabbing I left the forum for good. Allowing oneself to be drained in such places is lunacy. Now I have feelings to deal with, as well as trying to figure out what I need to do next.