I should be tap dancing across the cloud tops right now. Yesterday was my annual review at work. It went exceptionally well, best scores I’ve had to date actually. I’m flying out next week to present at headquarters. My mind is filling again with new theories on dark matter. I have tickets to 2 glorious days at Fermilab with quantum physics lectures and facility tours. My cat hasn’t bitten me in a while. I’m paying off old debt and starting to save again. Things are going rather well, but I don’t feel it.

I’m out of sorts, distracted and hollow. I try to meditate, but it doesn’t work. I read so many incredible awakening stories here and wish I were in their company. I used to be. Since 2004 I’ve had so much hope for being open again. It feels like once it turns off, that’s it, mate. Like I’ve been shoved out to sea on a bamboo raft with full knowledge of where land is and no way to get there. Like the Heavens above turned away.

There was a time when I walked, acted and spoke in love and light. My compassion was limitless and my need to help eternal. I kept the company of angels, retrieving stolen souls and reaching out with golden light to mend tortured hearts. And I loved it!

I don’t want to admit that that time in my life is over. Now and then strange things still happen, but I can’t seem to initiate them any more. I understand that it could be the wrong time to be open or that maybe I’m hoping too much for the amazing past to return when it can’t. That was a different life, too much has changed in the past 5 years. Still…I desperately hope to feel light and love again.

In the past 5 years I’ve experienced enormous moments of pain from childhood things that should’ve remain buried in my memory. I was so poor one year that I had to regularly choose between food and electricity. The next year I became a manager for a top-drawer international company winning awards and setting records. I lost my father and a dear friend to cancer. My mother lost her leg to diabetes. My brother declared me dead to him. I watched my dream of being a physicist disintegrate in the searing fire of a major career in transportation. But things are getting better.

I wear purple Converse All-Stars (off duty of course) to spark something. I visit tarot readers and spirit communicators to ignite something. I go on private retreats in forests to find something. I leave it alone to invite something. Nothing is working and I’m growing desperate. All I can hope for is that this is all purposely blocked and it’s not time to feel light and love. Yet I see so many feeling the ascension ramp up and wonder if I’m supposed to be a part of it or just pretend there aren’t changes because I can’t feel them. I partly wish not to be the only one going through this, but don’t want anyone to be in this position either.