I don't feel I have too much to bring to this site at the moment but I feel like bringing out a few thoughts concerning the current workings of this universe in connection to my personal experiences. That's because it would be nice to hear viewpoints if there are any. One rather predominant experience this year has been that of opening up to various people only to get shunned and rejected. I've tried to carry this phenomenon graciously and see what it has to teach me. One thing I discovered was that despite my independent allure and desire to be free from the dependency of other people, a part of me was secretely wishing that someone would "save" me just a little. That's because, on the one hand I miss company and on the other, I am at the end of my rope concerning my ability to change my reality for the better. I don't wish any good advice in this matter, as I've already met way too many people who only wish to preach about the way I should lead my life (normally without knowing much about it!). I realize my challenge is a very deep and crucial one and I have reason to believe that I will eventually figure it out. Profound issues don't necessarily disappear in the blink of an eye; they often take time to be resolved. That is, it seems like a long time from our perspective, but in relation to the rest of existance (from a higher perspective, so to speak) it's not a long time at all.

Meanwhile, there's a great deal of emotional turmoil inside. Many feelings I've made great efforts to transmute and have felt partly succesful in doing so. Because I have had to learn about emotions very late in life, it's been all the more intense. Though at times I can see that things have advanced, all the experiences of being rejected and feeling suppressed by people I involuntarily have to depend on have caused a great deal of anxiety. I'm afraid I might be getting asthma because I can't breathe properly. I also have increasing problems eating and my stomach is quite upset. I hope and believe all this will go away eventually but I truly don't see a way of speeding up the process (the sensations are very compelling). I have only so much capacity to deal with things. It does make me feel worried. Yet there have been signs of major inner upheaval of a kind that's unmistakably spiritual in nature, and I have also had an unusual amount of creative thoughts lately. So it's not all hopeless.

I do realize, that the people who have not been willing to join me in my life right now were not of the same frequency as myself and might never have been able to "catch up". Of course, I approached them because I liked them and felt something for them (I opened my heart at least partly), but despite their good hearts there were major discrepancies on the level of spiritual and psychological insight. I have tried to lower my expectations of others but my complexity, depth and ability to use my brain has scared them away. I no longer want to settle for half-hearted relationships that don't feel satisfying, and so the signals I'm sending out must be pretty daunting! I keep wishing that they'd still give me a chance, while I'm not sure I am able to give them a chance (in other words, a catch 22 that shows how futile looking for love on the outside really is). It's a frustrating situation because I risk being left alone for the rest of my life (well, that's what it looks like now though of course it's not carved in stone). The sense of not being able to occupy the same space as others has increased. At the same time I'm not quite ready yet to sit there on my own with a sense of "deep self-satisfaction" and send out unconditional love to everyone. I have yet to figure that out (I have a clue as to what it's all about but things have not fallen in place yet). I'm saying this because I don't think I'm alone in feeling these things.

I read Karen Bishop's latest newsletter (granted, I have trouble reading as I need new glasses and that has posed some more challenges in my life right now). I was quite baffled at what she says. She's the only channeller I've encountered that has aroused my curiousity. However, I wonder who she's really writing for, because surely the people who are way evolved and ready to ascend don't really need her information? So... people on "the lower rungs" are obivously not reading her stuff and that leaves us with people in the middle. Those who are feeling jitterish and anxious right now just like myself. But are they eligable for the "new space" she's talking about? I feel like I'm really dangling somewhere inbetween, very willing indeed to move forward but not sure I'm supposed to be among the cream at the top. I feel reasonably patient with the process and don't have an agenda in mind. Still... not knowing what to expect is quite nerve wrecking. I feel the shift is real, yet a part of me is still wondering... I wonder what others think of this transformative time!?