Back in the late 80s I was south-bound on a highway. The eastern Iowa countryside undulated past. Rolling hills, topped with growing corn and blue skies kept me company. The multi-lane road was briefly shared by a hog truck. It shoved past, also going south. Such things are very common in Iowa, which is a giant in hog production. As it ground by I glanced over. My eyes found one trailer’s side vents and was met by the gaze of a hog looking back. In less than an instant our eyes connected and a psychic link was created. I felt its utter terror and confusion; it smelling death and not understanding what place it had on the menu. The hog gave me an intense flash into the other side of the equation, what it was like to be butchered and tossed on some plate that may or may not be appreciated. The hog, God love him, told me the reality of today’s omnivorous human.

I immediately became a vegetarian. After making a connection like that how in the world could I have continued to eat meat? I still ate eggs and dairy, as I didn’t see death as a part of those processes. It was rough. Iowa is one of those places, like Texas or Alberta, where it’s practically impossible to eat well as a vegetarian. As mentioned earlier, hog production is serious business in Iowa. I used to travel the state frequently for work and research and would often come across huge feedlots. These are designed to suck in as many hogs or cows as possible, store and feed them en masse and then ship them off to meat packing plants to meet gruesome and torturous deaths. The hog I made eye contact with might’ve come from one of these lots. Individual farmers will also sell off the livestock to meat packers.

I worked diligently to become a successful vegetarian, including learning under one who had been practicing for years. What I came to discover is that to be successful at that time meant one thing…salad bar. Almost 99% of my meals involved lettuce and what could be put on top of lettuce. It became demoralizing. I watched those around me enjoying their varied meals while I grazed on rabbit food. After a couple months, heavy with regret of having failed that long since eaten hog, I gave up. My surrender came at the hands of tremendous social pressure and I turned omnivore at a mall McDonald’s in Des Moines, Iowa.

Earlier this year I chose to walk down the old, failed path. Again it was as a personal protest to the extremely hideous treatment of our food sources. I began to feel guilty over repeated nasty burgers from a variety of drive-through’s that didn’t mean anything beyond “it’s a cheap meal on the run”. The innumerable deaths of cows, hogs, chickens, etc didn’t mean a thing. While on a trip for work I looked down at the miscellaneous McDonald’s burger and found myself apologizing to the cow. “I’m very sorry you had to die just so I could eat lunch.” It was honest but horribly pathetic. There was no good way to tell the cow I was sorry it had to be mercilessly and painfully murdered just so I could eat fast while en route to my next appointment. That was my motivation to renew my vegetarianism.

Over the next few months I’d sworn off red meat and pork. I’d eaten more chicken than ever before. Fish, while much adored, were suddenly off the menu due to health risks (don’t get me started in how dangerous fish is to eat now). I traded one animal for another, supplemented by loads of veggies and evolved into what I am today…miserable.

I want badly to be normal part of our steak-eating society. What stops me is the understanding that to do so means a cow’s certain death. I currently live in Wisconsin, a place thick with cows. It’s inevitable to come across cows on a farm while driving down country roads. There’s a reason why Wisconsin is famous for cheese. Knowing what I do now about the meat industry, it breaks my heart to see these cows and know their fate. Perhaps a rare few will dodge that bullet, but the majority of dairy cows are sent to slaughter along side of beef cattle after a few years of service. I'm fond of cows. I used to drive by mooing loudly, now it breaks my heart to see them.

And so I find myself at an ever intensifying cross-roads. I’m different for so many reasons and have worked my lifetime to fit in. Perhaps it’s that I keep finding myself in all the wrong places. As I understand it, there are parts of this world that support vegetarianism. A big part of me is screaming to go back to steak, shut up and keep my head down. Be one of the many, fit in, be happy like the rest. When I’m about to take that step I see that hog back in Iowa or past photos of the young calf at the meat packer with intentionally broken legs to keep her in line. Things like that rip my soul apart.

I am desperate to live easily, eat whatever strikes my fancy and have no worries about where to find food. It’s continuously difficult to eat with people who have the entire menu to choose from and I am controlled by salads or a plateful of potatoes and carrots. How I’d love to eat an entire meal like anyone else! If I order something without meat its still made with meat and must be sent back to be redone. This is such a completely carnivorous society; people don't think outside of the meat box. Yet I feel tremendous guilt over the selfishness of killing another to make my life easier.

I thoroughly disagree with my place as a human is as master the animal kingdom, to use however I see fit. No, my place is a lightbeing on this planet along side of every other living thing here. Not as master, but as partner. I do not own, rule, enslave, etc. My cat's not my pet, he's my roommate. Perhaps it's this deeply personal belief and it's contradictions with the 3D in your face, animals are here to serve us mentality that spews the violent clashes within me. It's these crossing paths that mercilessly draw in my 3D and higher selves, knowing the neither will come to a compromise. And so enrages my unending confusion and longing for resolution.

Is there anyone else out there with choices like these? Is there anything I can do about it? Do I have to wait to be stationed in a more forward-thinking city to have a shot at something better?