This is one of those types of things where sometimes it is easier to be another entity for all the world to hear. It is strange how being our own vulnerable selves can be the most difficult of things. So here it goes here is the abridged version of my life story my purpose is to share my experiences with any who wish to know.
Of course myself as every kid was born, maybe a little more aggravated than average. Found myself as quiet, enchanted, and enthralled by all that i found. My family was nice and my sisters where domesticated. Soon i found myself living my life more and more around a centralized religion. It was part of my heritage and part of my privilage of knowing. I loved the idea of living all of my young years focused on God, soon though it seemed that people kept wanting me to relearn God for i was "naive". Eventually i was beginning to believe things that i know in my heart where not true as the expectations ran deep.

I walked through youth in the no mans land of lost identification and in denial of potential (no faith in abilities). I could do nothing more than fit in like the rest keep my head down and get in enough trouble so people didnt mess with me. I grew up in a flat place the result of a lengthy ice age. For some reason the first time that i saw mountains and the ocean i thought a lot differently about things. I asked "how is it that there is a piece of Earth that keeps the ocean in its place?" The more and more time i spent under open skies and flapping ripstop the more powerful i became.
Then it all went assunder my Mom died yup right in front me like a story page by page. I couldnt help but be sad she understood me better than anyone i know. She know the secrets i had not told anyone. I worked, flirted with dangerous people, and kept myself distracted these where all proportional to how much i loved her. Most people would think i was deluded to believe that all the junk I incorperated and all the hearts i broke showed how much i loved her.
This love brought me to Arizona to go to college and a sweet one i did select. Soon i was exploring all that the American southwest and human dimmension had to offer. It was tough to hold me down my hand smacked the top of many goals and sometimes got bloody. Yet enevitable my position in the universe was changing and at first i was intimidated by the questions. Why is it that people use me to their own ends, why is it that for some people things seem so much easier, and why am i always so alone? I remember the one night when i layed down, gave up, and was willing to die in sleep after a night of taking anything i could to feel some sort of solace.
I knew that i must find the answers and this took a long time to accept after being taught that i already had all the answers. Then it happened the day that i felt more love than i had ever felt up until that time. "Hey maybe i do really matter and if so what am i doing to myself?" After that it got hard no longer could i lose myself or others in a cloud of smoke. Day by day i took a step and some days took a few back. Tried to rationalize that my lifestyle didnt really hurt me all that much. I am so thankful for the friends i had at that time who helped act as a mirror to me showing me how i acted. I was so greatful for Marine Biology on the Gulf of California, another semester exploring California, and all my climbing classes that took me to the top of the world and taught me how to love when i was my best. Soon College Graduation did come and only on that day was i able to live the light that i was beginning to discover that i was. Around these times i met my fascade soul mates number one and two (by fascade i mean they did not fullfill my fantasies). So yes those were the crushers, I had such magical moments with them in such short times heaven was holding out on me. In retrospect i love them today as i wanted to love them the whole time as amazing individuals with free will and divine destiny. What did they teach me you ask? They taught me about our soft spots those places that we so diligently keep hidden; they are the things that we hope we can expose yet are not sure how. What it can be like when you decide to love each other for who you each are. That even though we would if we could we cant make another person happy. So these things brought me face to face with my weakness. That i believe in something that i was afraid to trust. That there is more to women than meets the eye and pleases the viseral.
Hmm so in some regards i hit rock bottom again and it was tough. Even though i was nervous i would never recover i find that i have and the courage remains. So i find myself now in the moment ready to take the next steps, patient and loving enough to stand by my family, and when if it presents itself the pleasure of loving someone as God loves.

let it go
respect yourself
trust yourself
love always
re-read those closed letters