this is what i am thinking today~

My DNA extends further than my body. It conects me to everyone in my family line. I carry with me everything my ancestors have gone through, learned, and felt. I picked up where they left off. The most recents have the biggest impacts. The most repeated are the deepest embedded.

I love and honor them all for getting me to this point. There was a long time here, in this world, that life was just about trying to survive. It is a wonder anyone made any spiritual progress at all. Each time we are born, we, or at least I, promise to get it right this time, to re-do it differently. It is never as easy once you are here. The older we get, the less options seem to exist because we have made so many choices already and activated and reactivated so many patterns. Brain pathways get stronger following the same route. The body gets tired and betrays you sometimes when you try to forge a new road ahead.

But regardless of all of this, it can be done. More than anything, what is required is the true desire to undertake this challenge and the bravery to change and enter a new world. Neither is to be taken lightly, both are difficult to come by, but when we have these I find we get the help we need to overcome the other obstacles.

Our ancestors live on through us on this plane. When we repeat their trends, if they are faulty, we are sort of dooming our ancestors to repeat the past over and over again. If we grow instead, if we shoot off from where they left off, I think they continue to grow as well. If we shed their pain, their pain is shed all the way down the line frontwards and backwards, past, present, and future.

But often we cannot shed their pain until we experience it and thus we are “doomed” or “blessed” to repeat the pattern. This is only so we can heal. If we overcome what they did not they thank us. Their souls still grow, still evolve on some level, within us and without.

For many years my spirituality consisted on being in the now. The present was a beautiful place to dwell in. However, and this will sound strange and wrong, but for me staying in the present was a means to escape the past.

If something came up from my past or someone else’s I’d go into meditation and stay in NOW to avoid it. It is lovely in the NOW, but you can only evolve so far in NOW if THEN is not taken care of.

My children and I, and even my husband too, we have THEN passing through us NOW. We are repeating and coping, repeating and coping, each time getting better and trying something new, each time rewiring our DNA.

It’s intense.

Maybe this goes beyond my family, maybe everyone is doing this. I suspect that. But I cannot know that, I cannot judge it, I can only see us right now.

My grandmother is the most stable person in my family for me. I always felt safe and okay when I was with her as a kid. She validated me, mirrored me, made me okay. Whereas when my parents looked at me I saw their shame of me, their anger and resentment. Her house was always tidy and orderly. Her emotions were always even and controlled. Her advice was always welcome. Her voice was always like a warm blanket.

She had a stroke over two years ago. She is still alive but she has lost her speech and her ability to move one side of her body. She says words but only a few and it’s the same phrases over and over. In her mind she is saying one thing, out of her mouth comes something else. She still understands us just fine just can no longer offer her advice, her wisdom, her self.

I miss her even while she is still here. But we can no longer rely on her to make us who we are. We have to like ourselves with our own eyes now.

Now she is being cared for my mother and my aunt. They take turns and provide 24 hour coverage. My mother and aunt have no life now. Now they have no relationship with one another because of underlying resentment. The whole family has fallen apart in a way without my grandmother and she has to watch this, has to endure it. She cannot say anything about it no matter how hard she tries. She can never be left alone and get relief from it. She is enduring this.

Now she is undergoing chemo as well.

I wonder if she is hanging in til 2012, or until we work out more of the kinks in our programming, or if she is just punishing herself.

Knowing my grandmother, I bet she is refusing, on a spiritual level, to leave til she reprograms herself so she does not pass anything down or reincarnate with any baggage because that is just the type of remarkable person she is.

My family is generations of shame. The most embedded core issue is shame in all of us. Guilt, shame, and how to cope. A lot of the women became pleasers. They learned to hide themselves and keep up appearances. They are all excellent hostesses and well spoken. They are humble (low self esteem). They go out of their way to make sure everyone FEELS good, nobody ever feels uncomfortable around them. We derive our feelings from the feelings of others. If everyone else is happy, then we are okay.

The men hate themselves and are always embarrassed. This is all sides of the family, mom’s and dad’s and hubby’s. When they get too ashamed of themselves they lash out, make it the woman’s fault, and the women let them so that nobody feels bad. The men are also generous, hardworking (to try and show they are deserving of acceptance), and super kind and loving when they are not raging and judging.

I sense a big part of the shame was back when my family was converted to Christianity. We had some gypsy type stuff in the chek republic. The old Irish, not sure what they subscribed to (my personal family) but it was taken from them. The ones in Poland, not sure they had anything, they just lived free until converted. The hiding of the old religion, old ways was shaming. The submission into Christian guilt too much breaking down of the spirits. Why then do I dream of Jesus? I can look and see. There was a lot of raping. There was a lot of being told everything about them was wrong. When they came here they had to kiss ass to get and hold a job. They had to beg and thank on their knees just to work for nothing. They had to do this just to exist at all. All the while they were conflicted inside as to if they were right in their hearts or if all along they had been all wrong. They laid down, but inside they were ashamed for laying down.

If I free myself of this shame, I free all of them. They will be healed. They will evolve. We will all ascend, even if that just means the chains of the past will break. Those faulty patterns will be dead and will separate from the souls that are full of life. This is the dividing line, this is the judgment day stuff, this is the heaven and hell, the living, and dead. The “bad people” are not being separated from the “good people.” The harmful, untrue DNA coding is being deleted and separated from the new coding. The cool thing is the new coding is not new. It is already there, we were born with it originally, the original people. We just need to strengthen it.

If I don’t shame my kids those old embedded patterns will not activate. Those pathways in the brain will not make those same connections. Shame will not be connected to religion, shame will not be connected with sex, punishment will not be just and deserved.

If this can be done, then everything will be anew. How could one not ascend then? Whatever ascension truly entails, whatever it is, it is happening. We are enduring a great flood and it’s all being washed away and started over. The ark is the original code keeping us afloat.