I think at some point, most of us have wondered not only what it means to forgive, but also how on earth to do it. We went through the stage of hanging onto our anger believing to forgive meant we were saying that whatever it was that happened was “okay.” Honoring ourselves, we then refused to ever forgive as it would never be “okay.”

We then learned it wasn’t at all about the other person, but instead what not forgiving was doing to us. It was a little bit easier to understand now that it was explained this way, but something inside still wanted to hang on. While we fully understood the “poison” the anger could be on an emotional, spiritual and even physical level, our new block was the belief that to forgive meant to forget. There was no way in hell we were ever going to forget what was done, let alone help the offending party to forget. There was a feeling of being loyal to ourselves by holding onto the anger, something that forgiveness might betray. Maybe no one stood by our side and in our aloneness we vowed to always protect and be loyal to ourselves. We became our very own guard and protector.

Now that we understood and believed forgiving did not mean forgetting, we struggled when we could not bring ourselves to actually say the words, “I forgive you” to those we needed to forgive. Most times there was never an actual apology, and just as many times the person may have believed they did not owe us one. At this point to “forgive” did not feel genuine. The new block was, “But they never apologized. How can I forgive someone who hasn’t asked to be forgiven?”

We were again reminded that it was not about the other person, but instead ourselves. We then learned that it is possible to forgive and move on, truly letting go having never spoken to those we feel have hurt us; to those we feel we should receive apologies from. It was a wonderful feeling to finally get it; to finally know what it felt like to forgive, let go and move on. Sometimes it was easier than others, but the result was always the same-feelings of Lightness, Love, and Wholeness. We were now aware of a power that was always at our fingertips, and not in the hands of another.

Believing we now understood the true meaning of forgiveness, we were then “tested.” We found ourselves invited to engage in one way or another with those we have forgiven. When we had no desire, we began to question if we had truly forgiven. There were times that those looking in even said things like, “I thought you forgave him/her?” when we declined invites and things. Remarks like that as well as, “You are not a forgiving person at all.” could throw us back a step or two and into self-doubt. The true meaning of forgiveness now seemed out of reach because the reality was we had no desire whatsoever to go back to a place or person that once hurt.

I was using “us” and “we” in the above because throughout the years, on my path to forgiveness, I found many who understood or misunderstood it in the same ways I did. We believed deep in our hearts that we were ready to move on, but weren’t sure exactly how without betraying our Spirit. Though family and others were now and then able to confuse us with their beliefs that we were not at all forgiving, we stood our ground in staying away from situations and people that we had released. I’ll admit, the “ground” could a bit “shaky” but we were used to standing alone, so we did on this one too.

It wasn’t until Oprah put it so simply and with laughter that I realized the “ground” I stood on was not “shaky” at all. I sat there wondering why it took me so long to get what she made clear in less than one minute. And it wasn’t just her, but whoever the guests/“experts” were on that day agreed that she fully understood what it meant to forgive. She said something like, “Forgiving doesn’t mean what happened was okay, or that we are forgetting. But just because I forgave you, doesn’t mean I’ll be at your house this weekend for potato salad either.” *audience laughter, followed by agreement of “expert” panel*

So, no matter how it looks to anyone else, I know now that I am very capable of forgiving. I know now that I forgive for me. I know now that not forgiving feels bad on many levels-emotionally, spiritually and physically. I know the forgiveness feels like a gift I have given myself, so much so that I literally smile when I feel the shift has taken place. I sometimes cry as I welcome the Love, understanding and compassion that has replaced the anger. It’s an almost “holy” moment. I know now that it’s okay to not want to go over for “potato salad.” I actually prefer macaroni.