It is now late autumn and I am currently looking out a window at a gorgeous oak tree in brilliant yellow. I am in complete awe of it, especially how bright the color appears agains the grey sky and urban landscape. It is small things like this that make me love autumn and better tolerate the loss of light and the end of summer. I always associated this time of year with great change and transformation. This theme I am a pondering more than ever because this year was nothing but change after change- particularly the last few months.

The most obvious change of all is that I have a new job which will better support my academic obligation, better hours, in my field and closer to home. As I have stated in many past blog entries, I have been praying, visualizing, meditating and basically whining to the universe/God/etc to make this desire a reality. The actual process took five months which was very difficult to bare. However, the job offer to my new job came at a perfect time. My position was going to be phased out in a month's time and the demands of school were increasing.

I think the worse part about leaving this job is that I lost someone whom I thought was my friend. We went out to lunch during my last week at work. The lunch started out fine with small talk, but eventually touched upon certain conflicts and issues we both experienced during the past six months. I began this conversation with the intent to clear the air, gain closure and clarification on them before I left. As a result, I expected her to show or express some frustration and exasperation with me because my work performance suffered during the last few months. Unfortunately, I let my unhappiness and other factors negatively impact the quality of my work (This is a tendency that I am trying to improve). However, I was always very honest when I made mistakes and tried to make them right.

Unfortunately, the conversation did not go as I had planned. My friend gave me some very good feedback and constructive criticism, but then our talk quickly deteriorated. I am not going to go into the details, but the other party dismissed all my successes and said my ideas and communication style were inferior. She also failed to take any responsibility for the conflicts we encountered, or respect my point-of-you or experience the occasions we disagreed.

When the conversation was over, I remained professional and civil during my final days at the job and left on good terms. However, on the inside, I felt like I had been beaten up and was fuming. Therefore, for my own peace of mind (or maybe my ego's) I sent her an a civil email about my reactions to our conversation and tried to offer her feedback to her own shortcomings. She never responded to my email, except to cut all ties we had in the virtual world.

At this point, I am no longer angry at her, but very disappointed by how our seemingly strong friendship had become so toxic. I keep pondering what was the cause of our conflict: jealousy, resentment unhealthy competition, office politics or unresolved issues with our families or past lives? I think all these factors come into play. Furthermore, I am trying to determine what part I played in this situation which seems related to my unhappiness at work, my professional goals to become a healing professional (while she was stuck at a job she also didn't like) as well as my strides to do well and get ahead. As for her, I think she is very ambitious and wanted to get ahead which brought out the domineering and controlling side of her personality. In any event, there is nothing to do forgive and move on. I have started this process.

On one final note of this situation, I have been consumed with trying to figure out also was kicking myself for not listening to my own instincts (as well as my friends, family and boyfriend) to be careful of her. Since our recent conversation showed her true colors (as well as several ocassions in the past), I wonder why I wanted to believe she was trustworthy and had my best interests in mind. This is especially true since all the information I had pointed in the opposite direction.

On a personal level, I also feel like I am changing. My current focus is to finish school and deal with everything that comes with it. It seems anything that doesn't support this goal falls to the wayside. For instance, I am find myself drifting apart from my long-time best friend because she is mentally, spiritually and emotionally stuck. She complains about her situation, refuses to get help and spends her time with people who are also hooked on drama (which I no longer have patience for). I want to help her and make time for her, but know I can't save her. Since I mostly went out socially with her in the past (the majority of my other friends live far away or are married), I feel a lull in the friends department. I yearn for friends whom can relate to my situation, offer sanity while doing papers and whom I can have fun with. I have met someone like this over the past few months who fits this description, but we go to school and now work together. I sort of want to limit my time with her to avoid "togetherness overload."

I feel torn apart by all these changing dynamics, but also very grateful for the blessings I have. For instance, my sister-in-law gave birth recently to my gorgeous niece. I have a great relationship with my family and boyfriend (who has been my sanity through all this). I feel the prescence of my guides and angels around me more than ever who are encouraging me to keep moving forward and keep the faith. I am happy for all the lessons I have learned this year, my new job and the new peace I have that I can handle whatever the future holds.

I am at a new beginning which I will be happy write about it in the future......