Namaste! I have a... question. Or rather one overriding thought that has been perplexing and vexing me for quite some time now. A few months back I was gifted a native american wood flute, which I instantly learned how to play very well. I know this is because for a while I had been visualizing myself playing a flute, envisioning myself knowing how to play the flute and put my energy into this thought. But that was not the extent of that manifestation, for I truly desired that ability in order to begin earning my own keep. To pay for my own expenses. So when I was comfortable with my playing skills, after about a month, I went down the road and played in front the nearest supermarket. I made ten dollars in an hour, and continuing this way going to diffrent markets because I would always eventually be told to leave (since it is considered 'soliciting') I would consistantly make around ten dollars an hour.
I thuoght that once I was earning my own money I would be able to move forward in a new way, take the next steps in my life to grow more. But before I started playing for money I seemed to lack the motivation to actually go out and do that work. but at the time I started hanging out with this girl and she had no job and lived not far from me but not close either so I would give her ten bucks for gas money. And of course I would buy weed. This is a priotiy for me. Now I made choice to give her my ten bucks every time we hung out and now that she has a job I dont see her at all and i seem to have again lost the motivation to go out and play for money.
But yet there are things that I desire that end up costing me money. For one I want to no longer live in my parents house, as I have desired for most of my life. I want to go to Evolvefest, which was a very beneficial experience for me last year but at the time i had the expenses covered not through my own efforts and earnings. And now it is difficult to play the flute anywhere because all the places around my town know me and wont give me any time at all. I dont have a car and can't rely on others for rides to other places.
I am a pisces, a free spirited individual and often idealistic and a dreamer. I refuse to limit myself to one 'carrer' or 'occupation' to earn a living, its just not who I am. Yet everyone around me keeps throwing 'get a job' in my face like only that will move my life forward. I do not believe getting a job will help me, and besides that I have applied to many places and not one got back to me. This is something I keep to myself though, I dont tell anyone who told me to get a job that I have indeed strived for it with no return because it was a personal choice to go through with that and quite honestly has nothing to do with them.
And now most recently i looked into living on an organic farm/homestead in which i would work there in exchange for room and board and at the same learn about growing organic gardens. Very beneficial to me it would seem, yet no one around me will help me when I ask for it. I am only seeking a way to get there, and nothing more. It seems that anything I want to do or that resontes with me doesnt matter to anyone else and that I will not revieve aid unless I am fitting into their pre-determined ideas of what I should be pursuing. And they say they always will help me but when i actually look for support in small ways it is never found. I don't mean to sound like im complaining I'm just stating the facts, what I have been experiencing.
I desire not to rely on anyone else but know that nothing can fully achieved on your own, that all is working together and is ONE. I am not a lazy person, it is difficult for me to find motivation, yes that is true, but it is not sloth like everyone seems to think. I avoid getting to involved in what others think about me but its get to be alot.
But in my heart, I have real desire to earn money, to even have money. I feel tricked. I feel like I tricked myeslf into believing that earning money would change something but it doesnt. Its nothing truly, like I have said before many times money is just green peieces of paper, but somewhere between everyone in my family breathing down my neck and the desire to move forward in my own way I decieved myself into believing it could change something. I have no real desire for anything but spiritual experience. Even weed is no longer important to me now that I have gone without it for some time. I have no physical desires really.... I want nothing but love. What is the point I am even making here in this post? Im not even sure I just had to get all this out of myself.
Lately is has been frustrating and I find myself digressing and feeling annoyed even at the smallest of things. I have been true to myself these last couple months. I do not like the place I am, yet I am in so there must be something that I have not learned from it! SO TELL ME HIGHER SELF! UNIVERSE, SOURCE OF ALL THAT IS, SHOW ME WHAT IT IS I AM TO LEARN FROM THIS!