Should a Romantic Relationship be Easy?

This is something I wrote a while back when pondering the rollercoaster of love and relationships...

Should a relationship be easy or not? I believe I am not the only one who has pondered this question. Let me look at what it actually entails.

First of all, I do believe we have karma to sort out. I think we are inevitably tied to the fundamental law of cause and effect. If it seems that some people can sometimes break away from the necessity of paying their dues, I'd say that we are probably dealing with a kind of chimera. Maybe that in the particular life that we are talking about, the person in question has a certain challenge that takes the form of a leap of consciousness or a radical change of the physical circumstances. One set of karma has simply been used up and a new challenge comes rushing in that appears to overthrow all of the old habits and beliefs. Of course, what the purpose of the new lesson is no one can tell. However, if it entails more love or more money or anything else that is positive, there will always be a catch. Being a highly succesful human being entails responsibilities that we can only imagine while we are oppressed, depressed or just generally speaking living a low key kind of life. What I mean to say is that our responsibilities take on a different flavour. Not only do we have to be more aware of hubris, we also need to deal with other people's envy or lust for what we have. To continue to develop more compassion and understanding of other people's lifesituations and limitations might actually become more difficult as the gap between one's own succesful life and that of the “less fortunate” becomes wider. It might even appear unnecessary, if we believe that all that counts is that our own life is on track. But… to think that one's new life situation wouldn't have anything but positive consequences would in my opinion be naïve…

When we find that we are repeating a pattern of negative experiences we need to consider two things. One is whether we have the audacity to change the pattern and dive into a new sphere of experiences. Often enough, we stick to the old and wellknown situations simply because we try to hold onto what we have in fear of losing something valuable. What if our next phase in life is worse? The truth is, yes, it can be worse. If you want to change your attitudes as well as your physical circumstances, this uprooting process could cause a new chaos to prevail. I think that upon chaos follows new order, as that is a basic rule of creativity. So things will get better in the end, however to trust and believe that while we are in the middle of a painful process is not always so easy. Now the other thing to consider is whether the old karma debts have been paid. Maybe some figure from a past life is still wanting to step onto the stage of your life and claim a payback? I'm not sure it's really for you to say whether you are ready to move onto a new set of challenges or not. However, if you have started to see the patterns involved you most likely are on the road to recovery. It's in the nature of life to show you the way when the way must be seen. So really, let nature take its course but do hop on the train when it passes by! When opportunity arises, grab it. Could be that it is not leading to a more succesful life in the external sense of the word. But it's in the nature of change to bring you forward in life so that you will be a more succesful person on the inside. Let's not doubt the wisdom of life itself. I think there is always a higher form of intelligence at work that we as humans can never totally grasp. Surely the amazing intricacies of nature testify to that?

I don't think we can have a truly succesful love relationship unless we have gained insight and wisdom to an extent that allows us to approach the other person with a respectful and compassionate attitude. There are good relationships that have started early and that appear to be based on true love and loyalty. There is nothing wrong with this, but is this an enviable situation? The way I see it, these two souls have come together in this life to have this particular experience. I don't think other people gain from romanticizing this, although it's hard not to feel a tad envious of it. That sort of love relationship is probably not all that conducive to a person's evoluation on the spiritual level, simply because there is not much change involved in it. Certainly the experience of love and attachment is important. However, if we really want to get somewhere I think we need to shake our beliefsystems and habits from their very roots. I think that the attempt to enter an intimate relationship with a stranger is one of the most revealing and therefore also scary experiences a person can submit to. As we allow ourselves to love another human being, we become vulnerable. If the relationship is to work, we have to agree to work on our own annoying and sometimes even destructive tendencies. We also have to accept and tolerate those of our partner and trust that he or she will do whatever it takes to alleviate any friction caused in the clash between the shadow sides of our beings. How could that ever be an easy process? I mean, really!

In a relationship, there are things about the other person to accept and tolerate. All the same, there are times in which we need to stand up for our rights or point out a flaw in the communication. Sometimes we have to try and show our partner what we perceive as destructive or negative behaviour in them. To learn to do this with grace is not always easy. The fact that our partner has a right to do the same in regards to us is also not easy to accept. I don't think that two human beings who really want to build a wonderful life together can avoid some processing when it comes to these things. However, if this process is all consuming and draining, then something is probably wrong. It could be that you simply will never be able to change the constellation between the two of you. You might ask, when is it time to stop trying? Well, I think only you yourself has to acknowledge the limits and know when your lesson is fully learnt. This is all part of the unspoken deal between the two of you, on the level of your souls. But no matter what other elements are involved, it is often hard to say a simple “stop, no more!”, isn't it?

I have been in one stressful relationship marked not by a lack of willingness to make it work, but by a simple lack of ability to change a disharmonious constellation into a harmonious one. Sometimes two people are not at the same point on their own evolutionary ladder. There is a point that has to synchronize for things to work out. This point is not universal, it's something each one has to discover for themselves. But once the key is there, things start to fall into place and move onwards. Patterns start to change and new horizons appear. The feelings of love and trust in deepen. It may take a bit of time, that's for sure. Time is relative! But when months go by and no change is in sight, it's probably a good idea to take measures to change the external circumstances of the relationship or give it up altogether. On the other hand, when a moment of discord between the two is followed by obvious mutual remorse and a sincere desire to learn from the experience (and I mean sincere, not apparently sincere!), there is every reason to continue to explore the intimacy and embrace the experiences that the deepening contact implies. I believe I have finally found this in my own life. I hope this will entail a new avenue towards greater joy and flow in my challenging and eventful existence.